Life, Part 2 – After the marriage

Hello, old friends. Long time! I’ve missed you… while I’ve been busy finding me ; )

As I write this, I’m sitting in the most beautiful room that ever was, feeling the most peaceful I have ever felt, because it is mine – As Virginia Woolf famously called it, ‘A Room of One’s Own,’ – I have my own place, with my daughter. We’ve settled it, and it is absolutely amazing….

J and I separated 8 months ago. It’s strange to think there was a time when I couldn’t imagine life without him, when now all I remember is the abuse.

In June it will be official – and I am so very ok with June coming.

Sometimes I think I’ve found a nice memory – like the special tea he used to make me when I was sick, or the amazing vacations we took to Cuba, Paris, Mexico. But no sooner have I thought about the nice thing and the bad part comes rushing in with it. The way he yelled at me for not appreciating the tea, or the way he treated me during his fits on every one of those vacations….. Horribly. Even on the Honeymoon and ‘babymoon.’

I’ve thought about the many women (and men) who suffer verbal abuse for years and years with no escape and no name for it. I want to do something about it, but not sure what I could do. It’s such a slippery little topic. So hard to define. And the attitudes you face: Did he hit you though? No… So it’s not ‘actual’ abuse then….

Ok.

Patricia Evans’ definition set me free last summer, while I was recovering: Verbal abuse is a lie told to you about you.

Yep. You are not any of those horrible names/descriptors. And how liberating to be free of those lies.

Back then, and for many months before that, I was blogging pretty regularly. I was going through a huge change from not drinking alcohol and kind of rediscovering myself.  But for the past 8 months – barely a word huh?! I hope you are all doing well on your amazing journeys.

I’m quite happy to report that I am dating an old friend turned new flame… somebody who always liked me and I always liked but we were never single at the same time. It’s a total breath of fresh air… and while I am not moving fast I am enjoying it so incredibly much. This delicious new love.

I know that many of the bloggers I read are quite religious. I am not, but am spiritual… and I just have to say… I am so positively sure that God has been watching over me, and I am so grateful for the guiding light that has led me through all this insanity, into the beauty of a healthy new life.

XOX

 

Thou shalt not marry Don Draper (And how to avoid it)

Ladies, you know the type. Charming. Handsome. Intoxicating. Downright magical at times.

His favourite thing about you is less your values and more your assets.

I even called him ‘my perfect prince’ in our wedding vows.

Gahh.

Ohh…. yes. It’s so obvious. Any sensible woman could tell you why marrying Don Draper would be a bad idea. And yet, if you want it, you’re going to do it anyway. Like I did.

I knew it was a bad move, I knew there would be consequences. But I wanted to have fun. And I was flattered that a man like that, liked me……  (damn you, self esteem!)

Unfortunately, I married a Don Draper who’s zest for creative language included calling me every derogatory, demeaning name in the book (from Lazy to Psychopath… and everything in between).

We had a whirlwind tornado of a relationship. It got toxic. It ended. That’s now the past.

I’ve now been separated for about 5 months. And it’s true, as my friend Looking for Chris said, that after the 90 day mark, things move quickly from Phase 1 to Phase 2. I’m happy to report that my phase 1 thoughts of reconciliation (and the miserable feeling these thoughts came with) are now finished. I have no interest in being with him ever again. And I am so very excited about what the future holds!

I’ve come to see that having my whole world hinge on 1 asshole is so much less rewarding than trusting my soul to the great universe and all it has in store for those who are willing to be open to it.

And open to it I am.

So inevitably, my thoughts are beginning to turn to dating – in the future – but to tell you the truth, I would still like more kids…. so I can’t *really* wait that long, although I’m aiming for 1 year. And when it does happen, I don’t want to throw myself into it head first. I want to be cautious, and pay a good deal of attention to the real person I see before me. I don’t want to ignore red flags (again). Or love so much I blind myself (again). And get into situations that aren’t healthy (again). I think you’re getting the picture!

So here’s what I want to know from my next potential human! I’m going to answer them myself as well (I will post) and you are welcome to do the same. I would love to hear your answers to any or all!

These are questions that I think with help me separate true good-human qualities from… shiny distractions and false advertising. In the end, it is what’s inside that counts for everything.

1. What do you value most highly in an intimate partner (current or past), and why?
2. What brings you joy?
3. If you could never do one household chore again which one would it be?
4. What makes you laugh? (List as many as you like)
5. Who are your mentors or heroes, and what qualities do they have that you admire?
6. Under what circumstances do strong negative emotions overtake you (or try to) and how do you handle that?
7. What do you hide or feel ashamed of vs show and feel proud of?
8. What do you ‘work on’ about yourself, or what are your weaknesses?
9. What makes you a great partner?
10. What brings meaning to your life, generally and specifically (daily or  weekly practices or hobbies, for example)?

Reunion, tomorrow.

This week my husband and I texted (by Skype) –  the first interaction we’ve had since his arrest, almost exactly 90 days ago.

It was good to talk to him, just for the familiarity. It was weird to recall how much of his cruel words I look past. For some reason, his abuse has always felt like love to me. Some strange part of me hears his hate and thinks ‘well, look how much he cares’ — I guess because it is negative, but it is still focused attention. (Cue the story of neglected childhood)

We basically have been talking on and off now for a few days. Mostly bad stuff. Mostly him blaming me for the arrest and saying it was planned and that I lied and yada yada.

I am well aware that he is paranoid, and that something goes very wrong in his head that makes his thoughts extremely different from reality. What disease is that? I don’t know. He fits no description. Maybe it’s something to do with his multiple head injuries. I have no idea.

And there comes that old feeling – that I’m the only one who will take take care of him, and I’m the only one who was born to love him. So there, I’m crazy too. hah!

I do feel really different talking to him – like nothing really rattles me anymore. So call me a liar, call me whatever you want – I don’t care. (I told him, actually, that I did not appreciate it, but I didn’t react to it, I just told him…. .)

It’s so weird that after all this, he is still just this steaming pile of…. blame.

So we will sell the house and we will move on, but in his head… it’s like there is no reality creeping in. He will continue to think I am his to abuse.

I married a crazy person. I knew I was doing it. I did it knowingly.

I read a strange thing the other day in the book “the verbally abusive relationship” — that people with a ‘compassionate witness’ to their suffering tend to become artists and empaths… and those who did not have that, become abusers.

He abuses, I feel sorry for him.

Fack. I don’t like that part of me that’s just like “come home, you fucking abusive idiot” and let’s ignore your craziness some more.

And tomorrow we meet at Starbucks to ‘exchange’ our daughter. So gross. I hate all of it. it’s gonna be super weird! At least I’m totally skinny! LOL. (((((The girls understand))))

 

119 days left of 2015; 10 self-improvementy thing-a-mabobbers to work on

Earlier this summer I had some unripe peaches on my counter in a bowl. Within a day or so, at least a few of them became rich orange and yellow and ready to eat. I was so impressed! (It doesn’t take much, apparently!)

Maybe, I thought, it’s only time that leads us humans to ‘ripen’ or bloom too, right? But what takes the peach a day might take us a year. And we must work so much harder than a peach!

In the remaining 119 days of this year I want to work on these 10 things:

1. Practice Compassion – I am working on the idea of forgiveness – it’s hard for me. But compassion is a slight pivot from empathy that I think is healthier for me. I feel sorrow for the suffering of others. Period.

2. Practice curiosity – I’m interested in building my curiosity back up and using it to explore things with kindness and wonder – instead of fear and anger.

3. Respond, not react – I’ve been pretty passive aggressive or reactive in my life. When I didn’t agree or didn’t know what to say, I would hide in non-response. I want to be more careful with that. I want to respond….

4. Let go – of the people pleasing, the people grasping, and the obsessive fears about what other people are going to say and think about me.

5. Expand the feel-good comfort zone – It’s such a simple lesson I’ve learned – doesn’t feel good? Don’t do it. Duh… And yet, my whole life, I thought enduring pain was part of what I was supposed to do. No more.

   Now I want to ski and swim and sail and play guitar! I have shunned and feared so many things like these my whole life because I was too cool, too scared, too busy smoking and drinking. Blech! I want more of these wonderful life-affirming things in my life. NOW!

6. Prioritize, and prioritize again – what really matters today? What matters next week? What matters in a year?

7. Embrace loneliness – I’m a little bit lonely, since separating, you know? And worse than lonely – I get that feeling where I just kind of miss the assurance that if ‘if this one person loves me, I’m ok’ – but I’m aware that’s a bit of a crock. And I don’t want to run from my uncomfortableness. I have run from that in the past. It doesn’t work. I will stand on my own two feet until the time comes to stand beside someone else on my own two feet. No more flippin’ rescues.

8. Give back where it matters – I devoted a crap load of my life’s years and energy to an angry man who had no respect for me. In the future, that energy will be given to charitable causes, friends who care and that I care about (including you, my blogger family), my extended family who could use an extra sturdy leg around, and myself. Oh, and my job! Yes, my job… they actually deserve more from me.

9. Focus – I’m so very scattered and disorganized…. Oh Look a SQUIRREL…>!

10. Have fun – Fun? What’s that? Is it scary? Will it hurt? No? Ok then…. I WILL TRY IT!!!!!!!!!

Xo,

Georgey

For my 100th post: 25 things I’ll do differently next time I fall in love

1. I will not ignore male expressions of gender bias
2. I will not date anyone who is incapable of articulating why they value me
3. I will not date anyone whose sole interest is in my body or any other superficial thing
4. I will not date anyone who has anger issues
5. I will look for Mr. Friend not Mr. Fantasy
6. I will not allow mistreatment
7. I will not allow myself to mistreat
8. I will not aspire to be a conjoined love mushball but a strong, loving person with a strong, loving companion
9. I will not join a shared journey that costs me my own journey. There is room for both.
10. I will express my concerns, needs, and wants as they arise
11. I will respect my partner’s boundaries — and ask when I don’t know what they are.
12. I will pay attention to how I feel in the relationship. When/if I feel bad, I will investigate this with myself first, and with my partner if need be.
13. I will own up to my weaknesses but not act them out
14. I will trust my gut
15. I will not give a shit what the world thinks if it makes me happy.
16. I will not rush into any situation to lessen my fear of the unknown
17. I will find ways to share my passions and hobbies with my partner
18. I will never stop my journey of self-improvement
19. I will not fight.
20. I will not love someone who “only I” can truly understand 
21. I will not fall in love with an idea; of a project, a rescue mission, a superhero 
22. I will not tolerate a love that feels like a near death experience 
23. I will give my best every day 
24. I will laugh everyday. And bring laughter and lightness to the partnership. 
25. I will not fear. 

  

Dragon’s Loyalty Award

A few days ago Gingersnap74 nominated me for the Dragon’s Loyalty Award. I must admit, that with the direction my life has taken over the past few years, it’s been very hard for me to give… even to reciprocate.  

Because I’ve had nothing left, and I’ve constantly felt like I had to take the scraps that people gave me and patch myself up with their energy and generosity (so gross, I know) — but part of my healing is definitely CORRECTING that by plugging the leak and starting to generate my own positivity!!

So  YES –  I accept this nomination Gingersnap74 and thank you for thinking of me. I would like to now nominate 15 other bloggers.

I would like to nominate these 15 bloggers : 

1. Becoming Me

2. Lucky Otter

3. stilllearning2b

4. 333smp

5. treatwilliams

6. emmagc75

7. Feelingmywaybackintolife

8. Light of Desperation

9. Seedling

10. Elan Mudrow 

11. Sober in Sussex

12. Emma’s Recovery

13. Geek’s Secret Life

14. This is your heart on break up 

15. Addiction Place 

THE RULES:

• DISPLAY THE AWARD CERTIFICATE ON YOUR WEBSITE
• ANNOUNCE YOUR WIN WITH A POST AND LINK TO WHOEVER PRESENTED YOUR AWARD
• PRESENT 15 AWARDS TO DESERVING BLOGGERS
• DROP THEM A COMMENT TO TIP THEM OFF AFTER YOU’VE LINKED THEM IN THE POST
• POST 7 INTERESTING THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF.

1. I love comedians. Jim Carrey, Kristen Wiig, Seth Myers… everyone from SNL. I’ll take a good laugh over a stiff drink any day of the week.

2. I love starting new things and have a hard time finishing them. Working on that.

3. I feel happiest in silence and solitude, but I LOVE meeting new people. I am a writer… afterall.

4. I dream of being an entrepreneur, writer, speaker, and generally a person who educates and inspires other people out of a path of suffering.  (I guess I had to do it before I could live it…we’ll see!)

5. I can run really fast, I love to stretch and do yoga, and I eat pretty healthy food by instinct…  I have always been healthy and fit by nature!

6. I am rebuilding my life, and self, pretty much from scratch… and I’m scared but moving forward anyway. (I quit drinking, smoking, and am now recovering from a toxic marriage) What a year!!!

7. My daughter is 3 1/2 and she is the sweetest, smartest, funnest and best!! She inspires me to never give up, and keeps me reaching towards the best things life has to offer.

A day to run/sweat/break-up/break-down/fall apart and put myself back together

I ran today. First time in a long time and it was fantastic to feel the sun on my back, and feel the muscles in my legs kick in. I want to keep running, 3 or 4 times a week, but realistially – twice would be amazing. That part of the day was amazing. The part that involved J, not so much. By the way…… I ran to this song today, it was awesome, you should try it:
Where do I begin – Chemical Brothers w/Beth Orton

So tonight a few things happened.
1) The separation letter from my lawyer went out, and J received it this morning.
2) J replied, sounding amicable to me, but my lawyer said he can usually sniff out a ‘greater than thou’ attitude, and that’s what he read (arrogance). (!!)
3) J requested to come get some things from the house, and because I was going to be out – I said come by.

He came, and left with his desk, our ‘house’ computer, his speakers, and our record player, plus all of his closet and drawers.

*OUCH* *OUCH* *OUCH*

You know, it was all fair game – but coming home to this emptiness (my daughter is at my mom’s, thank god) was a bit of a shock, to say the least. Ok, I am pretty shook up by it actually. Not enough to cry though. (This lack of tears through all this is kind of weirding me out. Is it because I am happy/not suffering?????)

I must accept that we are very different people. I must accept that he gave no thought to taking all that stuff and will give no thought to moving onto the next relationship. He will not be ‘child focused’ no matter how much he loves our daughter, because he is unable to put himself in another person’s shoes, or separate himself from others.

But enough of this focus on him… I made a little discovery today. I’m starting to see that everything is either love or fear. What I feed myself in terms of media (trolling Facebook vs motivational article/meditation CD), where I focus my efforts (on frightful, panicked scenarios or healing and creating a vision of health and harmony) – what I do and what I think, it all amounts to either LOVE or FEAR. LOVE in, LOVE out, FEAR in, FEAR out. Whichever one I partake in, more of it is created through me. Oh my!

Why is it so easy, and so seductive, to just fall back into that heinous/addictive/unconscious fear energy?

My soul no longer wants that foooooood. I am so drawn to feeling better… to building up that phoenix inside me. And having something WITHIN that is big and beautiful and worth sharing.  I want to be someone, not something. 

Ah – and another insight. He and I were a match, as long as I was willing to be a sad, scared, shell. What roads we choose now – every day, in our dealings with people and our energy focus – it will predict who we become. As I write this I hear my own ego … chirp chirp… it will want to be prettier than his next girl, more successful than him, capable of taking our daughter on better trips. I must, must, must… stay focused on people and things that I respect and admire. Why dwell on him and play in his ring? Isn’t that the whole point of this? Seek the ring that YOU want to play in. Seek the energy, the love, the life that feeds your soul…..

I do solemnly swear to keep my heart open, and move my energy toward love when it is stuck or veering toward or tempted by or habitually drawn to …. fear.

You know that saying every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings? Well every time I post and it gets a little love from you guys, I feel like my little growing wings grow a little bit more… Ya’ll are my nearest and dearest right now. Kinda sad maybe, that I don’t have a lot of close ties in real life at the moment, but I’ll figure out how to be close to people again… I’ll learn it all again….. right now I’m just… in a bit of a cocoon – and it’s really great to have you here along with me.

THANK YOU.

xo

Georgey 

Day Number ONE – 3 Day #Quote Challenge!

Thank you Ms Ethel Duck for inviting me to the quote challenge!

I have chosen a warm, tender, cozy, heartfelt, loving quote set on a warm, tender, cozy picture…. I just love this…. every time I read it my heart sighs. : ) I think it’s thanking me. 

Peace and Love to All on this fine summer night! 

XO

Georgey with a peaceful heart. 

p.s. sorry this text is gigantic I don’t know what is causing it. LOL

FOUND! The love that was always missing…

It’s self love, campers! Below is an affirmation I’ve written to remember all the great things I am and will continue to be! These are things that belong to me. These are things that it is my job to honour, embody, and protect – not the job of my spouse, my parents, society, my child, or anyone else but me.

I gratefully embrace the goodness that flows through me and my life.

I am a mountain of white light.  

Strong

Capable

Self Sustaining

I am comfortable in my own skin. 

Purposeful

Decisive

Positive

Generous

I speak up when something makes me uncomfortable. I do not allow mistreatment.   

I am dedicated

I reciprocate kindness

I am valuable

I have a strong sense of self!  

I am wise

I am fun and funny!

I am abundantly positive.

I am imperfect!

I am always safe!

I take care of myself.

I take really good care of myself and I’m not afraid to say so.

#recovery #positivity #selflove #brand-new-me

My fellow friends and bloggers…. If you’ve ever been told you were terrible things, or have that negativity ongoing in your head… I encourage you to do this little exercise. Take every last negative word, thought, phrase, insult… and flip into the opposite, to something positive. You will feel so much better for it. That’s what I did, above, and it feels AWESOME!

10 Telltale signs of (my) Abusive Marriage

This is one of those “don’t forget, don’t look back” posts… to remind myself, and others. There will be a follow up post to this that is brimming with positivity and corrective measures, I promise!! Right now I’m just feeling the need to recount… in order to heal from it.

It was probably about a month ago, maybe more, that I left the house in tears, desperate crazy flowing tears, to drive myself off a cliff, or into a wall, or into the lake…. (I didn’t, obviously, but that feeling was getting all too familiar.)

I was constantly feeling so trapped, so miserable, so hurt, so brutalized, so assassinated – that I was losing my will to live. J would be raging, and usually have brought or daughter into it somehow so that is was them vs. me (in his mind). I thought if I exited, she might be saved, because I was the problem.

A while before that, probably a few months, I had brought a belt down to the basement and tried to figure out how to hang myself.

Thankfully, I couldn’t figure it out, but that re-enforced my feeling of being a total and complete failure, as he told me many times that I was. I was a worthless piece of shit. Couldn’t even figure out how to off myself. He’d even have to figure that out for me……. I was that useless. 

As I look back on it, I wonder what was it about the situation that made me want to die? Not leave town (couldn’t, daughter), not drink (been there done that), not run to the arms of another man (no thank you). I wanted desperately to die. To kill the pain. It was the result of MANY, MANY red flags compounded and ignored over the years.

———— Brutal! And guys, let me just temper this with a little character explanation….  I have never been a suicidal person AT ALL. There was this one time in high school that I slept with my window open in winter because I was so upset about something I just hoped the winter wind would ‘take me’ — LOL — that was as close as I had ever come to feeling suicidal. *comic relief?? takes deep breath*

So how on earth, many years later, did I end up with a man who valued me so little, and de-valued me so actively that I wanted to kill myself?

I know that people who have been in marriages like mine will identify with that feeling of losing themselves…. it’s the slow transformation from reality as you knew it to this other state – almost constant bewilderment and confusion. Self-doubt. An utterly crumpled sense of self – and a vague memory of who you used to be – or thought you were.

I felt crippled, up until a few weeks ago. When he was taken away.

I’m still working through how I got to that terrible place. And I’ve only had one therapy session which is about 24 shy of how many I probably need right now!!!

But my early sense of it is this – and please let it be a warning to anyone in a similar position. It is a mix of things that I did and he did, resulting in a terrible, terrible state of affairs:

10 Telltale sign of (my) Abusive Marriage

1. He called me names like useless, selfish, black hole, and regularly reminded me what a worthless person I was. He openly disregarded my feelings, including when I lost a close family member last year. He would say things like “poor you” to mock how I felt. RED FLAG

2. I allowed huge violations of myself by apologizing, rationalizing, placating, forgetting, absolving, and otherwise loving him after treating me like garbage.

3. He demonstrated no remorse for having hurt me, ever.

4. I did not stand up for things that were a part of me; friendships, music, movies, experiences.

5. He made no effort to improve himself or the relationship, but actively complained about me and my character. For years. Our old therapist called his behaviour ‘constructive dismissal’ – a form of termination by hostility. 

6. I ignored my own instincts in favour of excuses. He was stressed, he was depressed…. it would get better….

7. He escalated fights in his own mind, and would come back to things after a rest angrier. Sometimes months and years later, he would still be able to jump right in to previous fights with no sign of calming/forgiving/forgetting…. If a topic came up in a restaurant, he would yell at me in the restaurant. It happened many times.

8. I used deflection and defence instead of assertiveness, most of the time. My poor attempts to say ‘not ok’ fell on deaf, angry ears.

9. He was consistently attracted to me and loyal to me, but not respectful of me. Major mind fuckage territory.

10. I regularly felt suicidal. Because together, with my permission and his behaviour, we were complicit in the slow and purposeful assassination of me. Myself and my soul. And PEOPLE – anyone still suffering – there is nobody in the whole wide world who can stop that but you. You are yours, and you are the only steward of your own ship. Steer it well. Take care. There is life after toxic love. Real life, real love….. shouldn’t hurt at all, nevermind hurt so bad you want to die.