100 Followers, 100 Thank Yous!

Dearest YOU,  Blogger Community…. Thank You For Following! 

I never could have imagined that an anonymous blog could be so cathartic… and healing… and rewarding. It means so much to me! (Like, maybe too much? LOL)

100-likes-badge-wordpress

Fellow bloggers – you are AWESOME!!!! 100 Followers strong and every single follow has brought me more strength and more courage. 

Through you I am able to feel confident, where all my confidence had been lost.

Through you I am connected, where before I was feeling so isolated.

Through you I remember who I am and see the beauty of being-true-to-oneself through reading about who you are.

Through you I believe that a ‘better life’ is possible, if I believe.

Because of you I feel even more able to stand on my own two feet for the first time in my whole entire life. As long as I can be me, and you can be you – nothing can really go wrong.

I started this blog because I was quitting drinking in an effort to save my marriage. I was also going through the process of publishing my book (still am). And to top it all off, I was adjusting to a new life in luxury travel marketing at a pretty swanky organization (still adjusting, it’s a pretty intimidating world! We have yacht sized conference room tables! ).

But a few weeks ago, my life changed massively and permanently, and don’t think I would have been able to escape my situation without this blog in the background, and all of you somehow rooting for me? I have felt secure somehow, in this nest of non-judgemental bloggers who all have their own human struggles!

I have not regretted. I have barely cried. I have barely stopped mind you!! But I know I am moving in the direction of becoming a healthier, saner, more balanced person – and mother – who will be better equipped to give something back to the world for having gone through it.

In honour of you all I am going to start sharing some of the strength I have been gathering… tonight I’ve decided that I’m going to start volunteering at a women’s shelter. Through all of this, I have been aware that having a great job is a MAJOR difference between what happens to me next and what happens to women without financial security. I pledge to share this strength with others…. and help empower more people to say no to suffering, say yes to life…. and become the beautiful people they were born be.

 

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Courage, my love 

That’s me! Like my pants? 

Today I presented a global strategy and led a working session around a yacht sized table of directors. It was my first time presenting to such a big group since being at this company. 

So 

Very 

Intimidating!! 

 

Before I went on I started feeling really insecure. There’s a guy at my office who I’m sure is not my biggest fan, and he’s really catty – like cattier than all these beautiful super power women put together! – and he gets under my skin because I feel like he’s always talking about me behind my back. It’s a bit of a sore spot from childhood – stepmother was always campaigning for my demise behind closed doors. 

But instead of letting the fear and paranoia get to me, I made a little mantra for myself and started repeating it…. 

  
And I kept repeating it over and over in my head to drown out any negativity. 

And gosh darn it – you know what? It worked!!! 

I went in confident. My voice was steady. I didn’t feel pressure to be this or that. I was me!!! And I was louder. And I was awesome today. 

There is a very good chance that I have been a bit all over the place at work lately. Marital breakdown and all…. But as I looked around the room today, I was finally able to accept it, and accept me. 

Deep down is so much pain for how much my partner has broken me down, but I guess I’m proud of myself for marching on. At the end of the day, that makes all the difference, doesn’t it? 

I really hope that after all this sadness there is a new dawn. 

Conflicted, tipsy

I had a glass of wine tonight at our executive VP’s annual event at her home. 

I’m pretty tipsy. From one glass. 

Nice night. Being out as a grown up – not tethered to my BFF 3 year old. 

I talked to boys. I talked to girls. Remembered me a bit. 

Then snuck out of party to shop a bit! So fun to be out alone without managing anything!!! 

Seeing cool stuff, like this: 

 My aunt and and uncle are coming to visit this weekend and I am so very excited! They’re on my dads side (and I no longer speak to my dad and his wife) – so it will be good to have family close. 

Fack. Makes it so hard to divorce when I’m such a pack animal actually. 

I went to the lawyer Friday but told him no-go on Monday. Didn’t feel right. Unless you are aggressively going after cash/support (I’m not) or custody (I wouldn’t) the system is pretty much a form you fill out – not much different than taxes. 

I was not ready to go it alone, honestly. I didn’t realize how much courage it takes. I guess I’m taking the easy way out, for now, or just stalling. 

Will it be different when kindergarten starts and we have $1500 extra a month in our pockets? 

The only certainty in life is change. Will I be less or more of a human being then? More of a shell? More beat down? At the end of the day I just want him to love me. Still. 

Xo 

Georgey

Thinking about JFK’s Sailboat

This is JFK’s boat. It’s for sale. I’ve been obsessed with it all week.

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Isn’t it beautiful?

It’s not very big or luxurious or fancy, but somewhere along the line, John F Kennedy thought that it was a good boat. It was the right boat for him at that moment in time, and I bet he felt like a free and wild man when he was on it; not pampered, not ‘important.’

To bring this a little closer to home, my current job is bringing me grief… although it is technically the ‘big ass yacht’ of digital marketing jobs… still, I’m yearning for a scrappy little sailboat.

**I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking hey, Georgey, you’ve just gotten over a depression, your marriage is falling apart, why not just stay in your j.o.b.?? But I think the job is contributing to all these problems… it’s so wrong for me…. ***

I know that there are trade offs in life no matter which things you choose. This job or that one, this marriage or that one. There is no magical fairy dust I can sprinkle on my life to have no stress and no problems – all we can do is trade ’em in for a different set.

I’m not convinced that people are always happier in second marriages. But I would bet that most second marriages are formed on that hope – of greater happiness.

I have this theory that you kind of create the same relationship over and over again until you learn the lessons. So why not learn them with the original person?

But with jobs it’s different. I have a greater appetite for risk there, and I have a skillset that I can assess objectively. Market value says if I do it right, I can make a smart leap – to consulting.

I guess I’m hoping to align to my values rather than external absolutes – the boat itself will not make JFK happy or unhappy, but ….if he values feeling free, this boat fulfills that need. I would be walking away from a highly reputable and sought after organization. With many creature comforts. And travel. And great hours.

Why?

I want to work to live, not live to work, and the consulting equation is much better ROI when done right. I’ve reached a diminishing point of returns in my field where  although I’m quite senior, I doubt I’ll see my salary increase much (2-5% a year). As a consultant, there is high probability that I could make significantly more, with less time invested.

Thinking in this way is making me nervous, but I am certain that this is the best route for me to take. There is a fantastic test/questionnaire called the Kolbe Index that assesses what you DO when you need to act. Your problem solving Modus Operandi DNA. It perfectly explained to me why I am better suited for consulting – I’ve got a lot of ‘quick start’ adaptable energy, and I’m good at diving into a problem and seeing my way to solution. I’m a futurist of sorts – but most definitely not a person who works through the gritty sequencing of events of the here and now. Great at past and future, suck at present. (but we knew that, yeah?!)

I won’t bore you with the details… (do take the test yourself though, it’s so bang on.)

I’m pretty sure I know what my sailboat looks like, but I’m so scared to take the leap. It’s a huge leap of faith. Sometimes my gut instinct just likes to pull me toward RISK. Ok, it’s pretty much all the time. I love taking job risks. And the Kolbe test told confirmed it – and that it is a strength that 95% of others do not have.

Risk is so much sexier than complacence. But it’s hard to justify with a family to feed.

CRISIS!

#stopme #gonemad #greatjob #quitting #risky #consultantshavemorefun #whattodo #meetingtomorrowaboutanopportunity #mighthappenfast #mightnot

*Annnnd my friend who lives in Tuluum, Mexico, just posted this: (A feeling of peace is the indication that you have made the right decision)……. it’s all we are all looking for isn’t it?

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