A day to run/sweat/break-up/break-down/fall apart and put myself back together

I ran today. First time in a long time and it was fantastic to feel the sun on my back, and feel the muscles in my legs kick in. I want to keep running, 3 or 4 times a week, but realistially – twice would be amazing. That part of the day was amazing. The part that involved J, not so much. By the way…… I ran to this song today, it was awesome, you should try it:
Where do I begin – Chemical Brothers w/Beth Orton

So tonight a few things happened.
1) The separation letter from my lawyer went out, and J received it this morning.
2) J replied, sounding amicable to me, but my lawyer said he can usually sniff out a ‘greater than thou’ attitude, and that’s what he read (arrogance). (!!)
3) J requested to come get some things from the house, and because I was going to be out – I said come by.

He came, and left with his desk, our ‘house’ computer, his speakers, and our record player, plus all of his closet and drawers.

*OUCH* *OUCH* *OUCH*

You know, it was all fair game – but coming home to this emptiness (my daughter is at my mom’s, thank god) was a bit of a shock, to say the least. Ok, I am pretty shook up by it actually. Not enough to cry though. (This lack of tears through all this is kind of weirding me out. Is it because I am happy/not suffering?????)

I must accept that we are very different people. I must accept that he gave no thought to taking all that stuff and will give no thought to moving onto the next relationship. He will not be ‘child focused’ no matter how much he loves our daughter, because he is unable to put himself in another person’s shoes, or separate himself from others.

But enough of this focus on him… I made a little discovery today. I’m starting to see that everything is either love or fear. What I feed myself in terms of media (trolling Facebook vs motivational article/meditation CD), where I focus my efforts (on frightful, panicked scenarios or healing and creating a vision of health and harmony) – what I do and what I think, it all amounts to either LOVE or FEAR. LOVE in, LOVE out, FEAR in, FEAR out. Whichever one I partake in, more of it is created through me. Oh my!

Why is it so easy, and so seductive, to just fall back into that heinous/addictive/unconscious fear energy?

My soul no longer wants that foooooood. I am so drawn to feeling better… to building up that phoenix inside me. And having something WITHIN that is big and beautiful and worth sharing.  I want to be someone, not something. 

Ah – and another insight. He and I were a match, as long as I was willing to be a sad, scared, shell. What roads we choose now – every day, in our dealings with people and our energy focus – it will predict who we become. As I write this I hear my own ego … chirp chirp… it will want to be prettier than his next girl, more successful than him, capable of taking our daughter on better trips. I must, must, must… stay focused on people and things that I respect and admire. Why dwell on him and play in his ring? Isn’t that the whole point of this? Seek the ring that YOU want to play in. Seek the energy, the love, the life that feeds your soul…..

I do solemnly swear to keep my heart open, and move my energy toward love when it is stuck or veering toward or tempted by or habitually drawn to …. fear.

You know that saying every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings? Well every time I post and it gets a little love from you guys, I feel like my little growing wings grow a little bit more… Ya’ll are my nearest and dearest right now. Kinda sad maybe, that I don’t have a lot of close ties in real life at the moment, but I’ll figure out how to be close to people again… I’ll learn it all again….. right now I’m just… in a bit of a cocoon – and it’s really great to have you here along with me.

THANK YOU.

xo

Georgey be-someone-coco-chanel

10 reasons I didn’t and wouldn’t self publish, told in GIFs

Hey, I’m not knocking it. It’s just not the route for me. But this is probably the most fun I’ve had writing a post.

So here is why I didn’t and won’t self-publish: 

1. Because I love to write and I hate to market myself. I work in marketing and love to market business and brands. But me, myself? Nahhhh…. not so much. I like to write, write, write. All day and all night.
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2. I knew that my book needed someone else. An agent. To sell it well.

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I have great admiration for the people who have self-published. Hell, I even have great admiration for people with super successful blogs. But it wasn’t the route for me, and I think the reasons why it wasn’t for me gives a good picture of who it’s really right for.

When I met my agent, it was a few years after I had reluctantly put my novel in the bottom drawer, after pitching it to more agents and publishers than I care to admit. I had lived through a lot of rejection, and for the time being, given up.

3. I wanted to come to market with a bang

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4. I’m not much of an online reader. I’m not on Good Reads. I don’t have Kindle… or Tinder, for that matter.

Sorry Simon Cowell, but it’s true. I’m pretty old school for a digital girl.

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5. Because I had been completely rejected by traditional publishers. And I took that with a grain of salt. But I also took the hint. My book wasn’t quite ‘ready’ for public viewing. Wasn’t hooking anyone in. Point Taken. Got it. FINE! (Didn’t want to self-publish a moderately shined turd with potential).

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6. Because I knew that it would flop without my heart in it. I couldn’t fake be excited to self-publish. I wasn’t into it. I knew I would have regretted it.

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7. Because I wanted someone to love it, first.

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I got pregnant in 2011, and a month before having my daughter, I met with my current agent (took a chance on a mutual connection and met for coffee, thinking it would probably go nowhere!) — and lo and behold, he liked my stuff. The next three years (up to today) have been a gruelling schedule of revisions. BUT – I feel good about the way it has all come to be and we’re finally going to market to publishers in a few weeks. 

And it’s been a god send to have so much editorial support (and proofreading!)

8. I suck at administration, really bad. Like really, really bad. I hate forms or all kinds with a vengeance. And pagination haunts me.

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9. Because my dream involved ‘the old school way’ – a publisher, a book tour, some events, some hotel rooms… and hopefully some pampering

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10. Because I’m too neurotic to be trusted with constant access to this number: every sale in every country, forever. Knowing me I’d check every second, and every minute, and I’d feel like this a lot of the time:

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OR THIS

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When my dream is to feel more like this:

chaplin-yay

Or more accurately, this:

Jennifer-Lawrence-happy

 

There was just something about writing a book in the first place that made me feel like this:

I-got-a-Harley-Davidson

 

And saying “I’m self-published” really compounded that for me.

I wouldn’t say one way is easier or harder – I just had to do it in a way that worked for me (stubborn, snobby at times, lazer focused always) but I totally commend those (self-starters, entrepreneurs, likeable and liked folks, devoted believers in their work!) that do it the other way.

There is no telling which is the better route. Just the one that feels right I guess.

This Fine Day

This morning as I pulled into the parking lot at work I saw one of the Senior VP’s, limping pretty badly. She was well ahead of me, heading for the front doors, with someone helping her down the steps of the front garden and through the process of lugging open our heavy front doors.

I couldn’t tell what was going on – it was the sort of general inability to walk with speed or confidence that you see in all sorts of situations – everything from a stroke to knee surgery to a broken leg. I wondered what had happened and for some reason it made me think the worst … a stroke?

My mind also flashed back to the movie I’d seen on the way home from New York – The Theory of Everything – how Steven Hawking had slowly lost his ability to manoeuvre in day to day life. How that diagnosis turned his life from fine and good to… not fine. The devastation that comes with diagnosis.

As it turns out, she had an ankle injury, but it just got me thinking of how strange it is that we can go from Fine to Not Fine so quickly. It only takes a single moment or circumstance.

This is not meant to be gloomy – but just more on my recent shift to gratitude overall.

I thought of the day last year when we found out that my uncle had passed away. How the world stopped so suddenly. A normal evening, a bit of news, a complete change. We spent the next several weeks at my grandparents house, consoling them and my mother (my uncle, her brother, was her very best friend), and my cousin, his daughter.

I spoke at his funeral. But even now, almost a year later to the day – it’s really hard to believe.

My uncle was eccentric and had sold everything he owned in favour of living in the hills of Columbia, in the open air – pretty much under a ‘roof’ with not much else. He visited regularly and stayed in the spare room at my grandparents house.

Some of the family thought he was out of his tree! But he was so happy there, so at peace among the waterfalls and the rolling green. He was such a lover of nature. And a lover of life.

Last spring, on the day he passed away, he had spent the morning digging a hole for his neighbour.

Digging a hole.

He went on a hike through the woods later that day and had a heart attack on the way down. He died in minutes.

He was in his 50’s.

I didn’t even mean for this post to be about him but as we get closer to the day it happened, one year ago – I feel so much closer to him now than I did when I was ‘my former self’ – a bit meaner, a bit more distracted, a bit less aware of the beauty of life and things. (aka: alcoholic.) I’m amazed that even through this whole water saga my heart feels calm, my family is flourishing, and I don’t feel all that stressed out. Wouldn’t have been the case a year ago.

Uncle J, I hope you are a part of the universal energy that has helped me understand life and its gifts a lot better. You were such a great teacher for me in your life and continue to be. I love you.

I can now appreciate that every day – no matter the temperature, no matter the content, so long as we have our health and life – is a fine day.

And a FINE day is a wonderful thing.

Xo,

Georgey.

P.S. I have a meeting with my agent tomorrow and he’s about to tell me how and to whom he’s going to pitch the novel. OMG. Hope tomorrow is a fine day too. Fingers crossed.

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