I ran today. First time in a long time and it was fantastic to feel the sun on my back, and feel the muscles in my legs kick in. I want to keep running, 3 or 4 times a week, but realistially – twice would be amazing. That part of the day was amazing. The part that involved J, not so much. By the way…… I ran to this song today, it was awesome, you should try it:
Where do I begin – Chemical Brothers w/Beth Orton
So tonight a few things happened.
1) The separation letter from my lawyer went out, and J received it this morning.
2) J replied, sounding amicable to me, but my lawyer said he can usually sniff out a ‘greater than thou’ attitude, and that’s what he read (arrogance). (!!)
3) J requested to come get some things from the house, and because I was going to be out – I said come by.
He came, and left with his desk, our ‘house’ computer, his speakers, and our record player, plus all of his closet and drawers.
*OUCH* *OUCH* *OUCH*
You know, it was all fair game – but coming home to this emptiness (my daughter is at my mom’s, thank god) was a bit of a shock, to say the least. Ok, I am pretty shook up by it actually. Not enough to cry though. (This lack of tears through all this is kind of weirding me out. Is it because I am happy/not suffering?????)
I must accept that we are very different people. I must accept that he gave no thought to taking all that stuff and will give no thought to moving onto the next relationship. He will not be ‘child focused’ no matter how much he loves our daughter, because he is unable to put himself in another person’s shoes, or separate himself from others.
But enough of this focus on him… I made a little discovery today. I’m starting to see that everything is either love or fear. What I feed myself in terms of media (trolling Facebook vs motivational article/meditation CD), where I focus my efforts (on frightful, panicked scenarios or healing and creating a vision of health and harmony) – what I do and what I think, it all amounts to either LOVE or FEAR. LOVE in, LOVE out, FEAR in, FEAR out. Whichever one I partake in, more of it is created through me. Oh my!
Why is it so easy, and so seductive, to just fall back into that heinous/addictive/unconscious fear energy?
My soul no longer wants that foooooood. I am so drawn to feeling better… to building up that phoenix inside me. And having something WITHIN that is big and beautiful and worth sharing. I want to be someone, not something.
Ah – and another insight. He and I were a match, as long as I was willing to be a sad, scared, shell. What roads we choose now – every day, in our dealings with people and our energy focus – it will predict who we become. As I write this I hear my own ego … chirp chirp… it will want to be prettier than his next girl, more successful than him, capable of taking our daughter on better trips. I must, must, must… stay focused on people and things that I respect and admire. Why dwell on him and play in his ring? Isn’t that the whole point of this? Seek the ring that YOU want to play in. Seek the energy, the love, the life that feeds your soul…..
I do solemnly swear to keep my heart open, and move my energy toward love when it is stuck or veering toward or tempted by or habitually drawn to …. fear.
You know that saying every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings? Well every time I post and it gets a little love from you guys, I feel like my little growing wings grow a little bit more… Ya’ll are my nearest and dearest right now. Kinda sad maybe, that I don’t have a lot of close ties in real life at the moment, but I’ll figure out how to be close to people again… I’ll learn it all again….. right now I’m just… in a bit of a cocoon – and it’s really great to have you here along with me.