A day to run/sweat/break-up/break-down/fall apart and put myself back together

I ran today. First time in a long time and it was fantastic to feel the sun on my back, and feel the muscles in my legs kick in. I want to keep running, 3 or 4 times a week, but realistially – twice would be amazing. That part of the day was amazing. The part that involved J, not so much. By the way…… I ran to this song today, it was awesome, you should try it:
Where do I begin – Chemical Brothers w/Beth Orton

So tonight a few things happened.
1) The separation letter from my lawyer went out, and J received it this morning.
2) J replied, sounding amicable to me, but my lawyer said he can usually sniff out a ‘greater than thou’ attitude, and that’s what he read (arrogance). (!!)
3) J requested to come get some things from the house, and because I was going to be out – I said come by.

He came, and left with his desk, our ‘house’ computer, his speakers, and our record player, plus all of his closet and drawers.


You know, it was all fair game – but coming home to this emptiness (my daughter is at my mom’s, thank god) was a bit of a shock, to say the least. Ok, I am pretty shook up by it actually. Not enough to cry though. (This lack of tears through all this is kind of weirding me out. Is it because I am happy/not suffering?????)

I must accept that we are very different people. I must accept that he gave no thought to taking all that stuff and will give no thought to moving onto the next relationship. He will not be ‘child focused’ no matter how much he loves our daughter, because he is unable to put himself in another person’s shoes, or separate himself from others.

But enough of this focus on him… I made a little discovery today. I’m starting to see that everything is either love or fear. What I feed myself in terms of media (trolling Facebook vs motivational article/meditation CD), where I focus my efforts (on frightful, panicked scenarios or healing and creating a vision of health and harmony) – what I do and what I think, it all amounts to either LOVE or FEAR. LOVE in, LOVE out, FEAR in, FEAR out. Whichever one I partake in, more of it is created through me. Oh my!

Why is it so easy, and so seductive, to just fall back into that heinous/addictive/unconscious fear energy?

My soul no longer wants that foooooood. I am so drawn to feeling better… to building up that phoenix inside me. And having something WITHIN that is big and beautiful and worth sharing.  I want to be someone, not something. 

Ah – and another insight. He and I were a match, as long as I was willing to be a sad, scared, shell. What roads we choose now – every day, in our dealings with people and our energy focus – it will predict who we become. As I write this I hear my own ego … chirp chirp… it will want to be prettier than his next girl, more successful than him, capable of taking our daughter on better trips. I must, must, must… stay focused on people and things that I respect and admire. Why dwell on him and play in his ring? Isn’t that the whole point of this? Seek the ring that YOU want to play in. Seek the energy, the love, the life that feeds your soul…..

I do solemnly swear to keep my heart open, and move my energy toward love when it is stuck or veering toward or tempted by or habitually drawn to …. fear.

You know that saying every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings? Well every time I post and it gets a little love from you guys, I feel like my little growing wings grow a little bit more… Ya’ll are my nearest and dearest right now. Kinda sad maybe, that I don’t have a lot of close ties in real life at the moment, but I’ll figure out how to be close to people again… I’ll learn it all again….. right now I’m just… in a bit of a cocoon – and it’s really great to have you here along with me.



Georgey be-someone-coco-chanel


Can love die? Can love be reborn?

Father’s Day today. And I got to be the lose-bag who doesn’t speak to her husband or father. Well… I took some chances today. (EDIT: Actually, they are the losebags for their choices. Not me.)

When we got the copy of the recognizance for J’s restraining order, it said that he could see our daughter if arranged through a third party (not what we were told originally). I gave it a lot of thought and decided that Father’s Day with mutual friends was reasonable and not something I wanted to withold by any means. So our mutual friends acted as that third party today, and since they too have a three year old daughter, I was able to drop her off at their house. I brought over the backyard swimming pool and they had a ball all day. When I picked her up this afternoon, I saw him – just his black t-shirt, crouching over to help our daughter with something. But now I’m haunted.

Addiction strikes. I’ve always loved his arms…… just one glimpse and I’m having fantasies of kissing him – the kind of kiss I know we’d have after a separation like this.

I am feeling weak and unholy tonight. There is something you lose in marriage in the way of desire for the other. Something that thinking they’re gone for good sort of brings back. God – how I miss the times… you know? The drunk times, the wild times…… many, many years ago. We were always a hot and cold, high and low, in love and in hate couple. But imagine that for a moment when it was good – we were hot, high, & in love. 


Whatever J and I were leading up to last Friday; a couple, a disintegrating marriage, an un-couple — I think that us is dead. I’m pretty sure the combo of me putting my foot down, a night in jail, the scare of a lifetime, enforced separation, and the involvement of ‘the law’ — has all worked together to put that old marriage in its grave.

Good riddance, I want to say. But of course it’s never that simple. Does still wanting him like this mean something is alive?

I know that my own soul has moved past that person, that life, that relationship. What I need to do is open myself up to the idea that I will attract new things into my life that are a better and healthier fit. <— healthy thought of the day hahah. 

That sucky old me is gone. Feels like I went through a portal that day that I’ll never come back from. I came into my own. I feel different in my skin. Maybe it’s being away from him too.

Also realized what a co-dependant TWOT I’ve been…. never again.

And that version of him I’m sure is gone. I hope it is, anyway.

And that us – dead. Gone in all of it’s rightness and wrongness, beauty and harm.

If there is ever to be a new ‘us’ born, so be it – and it is my hope, in my heart, that our love might be reborn in some other configuration; one of gratitude and grace, acceptance and camaraderie. That’s the dream. Whether it’s possible between two people whose love went way south and way sour – I don’t know. Maybe we’ll be one of those couples that divorces and remarries. (Probably an hour with the son of a bitch would stop my romanticizing in it’s tracks, but hey –  what can I say?)

I miss my man. If not him, then some phantom or ideal which was – is – my husband.

I’m not feeling vindictive or vindicated, just kind of at peace. And mourning for two people who lost their love.

Heartbeats – the saddest, most romantic song of all time. Heard it while getting coffee this morning. Almost lost my shit.

And another that I’m thinking about today…

True Colours – CYNDI LAUPER
More than once, J would look at me with tears in his eyes when this song came on. It was a shared moment between us, this song – his way of saying thanks for seeing through his bullshit. He used to say music understood him better than people.

Who is he? Who am I? Why is love so complicated? I have been ‘finished’ with so many people before, never to turn back – or even care! I guess a part of me believes we can never actually divorce…. as long as our hearts remain tied. FACK.

You with the sad eyes…. don’t be discouraged….


On Being brave, even if alone.

It’s been a long 5 days. Probably the longest of my life. It feels that way when every step is truly going to effect the rest of my life. A few of our close mutual friends have… not been calling, let’s say. Their silence has been challenging. I know that it’s probably not easy – these friends all have daughters – to empathize with my ‘marital struggles’ when they see a man who has lost access to his child. Fair. It’s not an easy pill to swallow.

I spoke to a social worker today who said that with ‘guys like this’ who blame and rage, it truly takes the anguish of being away from their family to take responsibility.

And about me – she said I’m doing good, I’m doing good things for my family, but I need to stop worrying about whether he does this or that. Need to stop being co-dependant and that I should go to Al-Anon. (Funny how the alcohol piece is coming back into play again, as it is still part of the cycle, and a big part of the accepting vs. not accepting behaviour).

I did what I did because enough was enough. And even though the results have been really severe and harsh, I feel like anything short of this would have caused harm to our daughter. She can’t be at the other of end of his tirades, she can’t and she won’t be now – because I have protected her.

*deep breath* It’s what I’ve been trying to do for such a long time. Separate from the marriage, the love, the relationship.

Before the incident I had called my mother-in-law crying my face off, driving in the car, feeling suicidal because I felt I had no choice but to live with his abuse forever. I wanted to die. It blows my mind, but that’s exactly what it feels like being stuck to a psychologically, emotionally abusive man who is the father of your precious child. There is no where to run, no where to hide – and no way to stand up and say stop – well, almost no way.

Today my MIL sent me an email that said ‘to know you is to love you’ and told me I was not a ‘mamma bear’ but a ‘mamma swan’…. with a picture of a swan protecting her baby. Her ongoing faith in me is like medicine for the parts in me that have been cracked and need to heal. She knows me, she knows him, she knows that good could come of this and he had to stop raging.

There’s something about standing on one’s own two feet that is so new and so strange to me. Just standing.

Not running. Not orbitting. Not escaping. Just standing firm and tall.

I feel my own goodness inside, warm and familiar – I have missed it. This relationship was from day 1 an act of furious self-forgetting. I wanted this life he offered me, this new world where the real me was like a small crumb that could be cast aside in favour of a fabulous but faux romantic union. We were the couple to beat…. so in love.

But I’m back. And I’ve missed me. A lot! I kind of like me actually!

I have this strange faith today, growing with every hour – that karma and light and justice might show up for me if I show up for them.

I may walk this path alone, but I am ok. I am so much MORE OKAY now. And doing the right thing feels so damn good, if really, really hard… still so good.

Ok.. enough of this serious. I leave you with the defence I’m planning against all evils coming my way:

(Think it’ll work??)  



Lost is better than Limping

Hope beyond hope.

The words amicable and reconciliation are falling away from me, replaced by words like court, protection, lawyers.

It is not surreal. It is realer than real. I have my gut instinct back. Not swallowing anymore.

I keep thinking about the early days. When we were in Cuba and one night, very drunk, he got very angry with me because a song had come on the iPod that he didn’t like. It was like it was possessing him. He couldn’t believe that I had liked that song or played that song – something trivial – and he went off the charts. Frothing and flailing and spitting brutal words at me.

I packed my bag, crying, and went downstairs to the lobby. That was it. It was the second time that he went nuts on me in our short life together (6 months at that time).

At some point, as I sat in that lobby, I went back upstairs, not knowing what to do or having the courage to actually leave the son of a bitch in the hotel room and fly home. For whatever reason, I needed him, wanted him… and wanted to prove to myself that I could handle it. I could take it on… I was strong enough to carry that load.

When I went back upstairs he had cut his foot and he was crying. He sputtered something strange like ‘see, you don’t even care…’ (a familiar line, I would learn, after the abuse….).

I put my arms around him and he folded into me. This was to be the nature of our love. Why did I accept it blindly? Was it because I did not know how I should be treated?

And so it was written. And so it was done.

I know that after the dark night of the soul is a sunrise so beautiful it will last a lifetime.


Conflicted, tipsy

I had a glass of wine tonight at our executive VP’s annual event at her home. 

I’m pretty tipsy. From one glass. 

Nice night. Being out as a grown up – not tethered to my BFF 3 year old. 

I talked to boys. I talked to girls. Remembered me a bit. 

Then snuck out of party to shop a bit! So fun to be out alone without managing anything!!! 

Seeing cool stuff, like this: 

 My aunt and and uncle are coming to visit this weekend and I am so very excited! They’re on my dads side (and I no longer speak to my dad and his wife) – so it will be good to have family close. 

Fack. Makes it so hard to divorce when I’m such a pack animal actually. 

I went to the lawyer Friday but told him no-go on Monday. Didn’t feel right. Unless you are aggressively going after cash/support (I’m not) or custody (I wouldn’t) the system is pretty much a form you fill out – not much different than taxes. 

I was not ready to go it alone, honestly. I didn’t realize how much courage it takes. I guess I’m taking the easy way out, for now, or just stalling. 

Will it be different when kindergarten starts and we have $1500 extra a month in our pockets? 

The only certainty in life is change. Will I be less or more of a human being then? More of a shell? More beat down? At the end of the day I just want him to love me. Still. 



This Glamorous Life

Met with my agent on Friday and he said my novel is tighter than ever and ready to go out at the end of the month, pending (as always) a few additions. But this time it’s FINAL draft, this is HAPPENING!

On D Day it will go to 60 publishers. SIXTY!

Dear lord please let one of those sixty fall madly in love with it.

Dreaming of book store readings and hard cover pyramids…… press interviews and teaching budding writers….. having time to write novel two…… getting a good review……… Oh my… could this really be happening?

“How long has it been?” he asked me, in the cafe.

“Three years of revisions, almost to the day,” I said.

“Really?” he said. “I thought it was only two.”

“My daughter’s turning three this month,” I said.

“Oh that’s right… when I met you you were pregnant……See? This is why not everybody does this. It’s hard, hard work.”

Damn right it is Sam. But Sooooooooo worth it. THIS IS MY DREAM, COMING TRUE!

I am ready. I am ready. I am ready for this!