Thou shalt not marry Don Draper (And how to avoid it)

Ladies, you know the type. Charming. Handsome. Intoxicating. Downright magical at times.

His favourite thing about you is less your values and more your assets.

I even called him ‘my perfect prince’ in our wedding vows.

Gahh.

Ohh…. yes. It’s so obvious. Any sensible woman could tell you why marrying Don Draper would be a bad idea. And yet, if you want it, you’re going to do it anyway. Like I did.

I knew it was a bad move, I knew there would be consequences. But I wanted to have fun. And I was flattered that a man like that, liked me……  (damn you, self esteem!)

Unfortunately, I married a Don Draper who’s zest for creative language included calling me every derogatory, demeaning name in the book (from Lazy to Psychopath… and everything in between).

We had a whirlwind tornado of a relationship. It got toxic. It ended. That’s now the past.

I’ve now been separated for about 5 months. And it’s true, as my friend Looking for Chris said, that after the 90 day mark, things move quickly from Phase 1 to Phase 2. I’m happy to report that my phase 1 thoughts of reconciliation (and the miserable feeling these thoughts came with) are now finished. I have no interest in being with him ever again. And I am so very excited about what the future holds!

I’ve come to see that having my whole world hinge on 1 asshole is so much less rewarding than trusting my soul to the great universe and all it has in store for those who are willing to be open to it.

And open to it I am.

So inevitably, my thoughts are beginning to turn to dating – in the future – but to tell you the truth, I would still like more kids…. so I can’t *really* wait that long, although I’m aiming for 1 year. And when it does happen, I don’t want to throw myself into it head first. I want to be cautious, and pay a good deal of attention to the real person I see before me. I don’t want to ignore red flags (again). Or love so much I blind myself (again). And get into situations that aren’t healthy (again). I think you’re getting the picture!

So here’s what I want to know from my next potential human! I’m going to answer them myself as well (I will post) and you are welcome to do the same. I would love to hear your answers to any or all!

These are questions that I think with help me separate true good-human qualities from… shiny distractions and false advertising. In the end, it is what’s inside that counts for everything.

  1. What do you value most highly in an intimate partner (current or past), and why?
  2. What brings you joy?
  3. If you could never do one household chore again which one would it be?
  4. What makes you laugh? (List as many as you like)
  5. Who are your mentors or heroes, and what qualities do they have that you admire?
  6. Under what circumstances do strong negative emotions overtake you (or try to) and how do you handle that?
  7. What do you hide or feel ashamed of vs show and feel proud of?
  8. What do you ‘work on’ about yourself, or what are your weaknesses?
  9. What makes you a great partner?
  10. What brings meaning to your life, generally and specifically (daily or  weekly practices or hobbies, for example)?
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Words heal Wounds: To thine own self be true.

So many people here (blogging) are recovering… trying to beat bad habits, toxic relationships, destructive patterns within themselves.

A very dear friend of mine got me started on changing all the bad things that I believed or was told about myself into positives (essentially, the opposite of the bad things) and I’m loving the benefits that I feel from having these words swirling around in my mind.

They are healing me. Changing me. So I wanted to share with you!

The words below are all linked to Pinterest. You can also make a “to thine own self be true” board too if you want to. I can help you, if you’re not a big pinner….

So-very-strong Self-SufficientAssertive Brave

Confident Educated honest independently-owned-and-operatedPassionate live-love-laugh  Positivity-starts-here  Unbreakable

better-every-day

A day to run/sweat/break-up/break-down/fall apart and put myself back together

I ran today. First time in a long time and it was fantastic to feel the sun on my back, and feel the muscles in my legs kick in. I want to keep running, 3 or 4 times a week, but realistially – twice would be amazing. That part of the day was amazing. The part that involved J, not so much. By the way…… I ran to this song today, it was awesome, you should try it:
Where do I begin – Chemical Brothers w/Beth Orton

So tonight a few things happened.
1) The separation letter from my lawyer went out, and J received it this morning.
2) J replied, sounding amicable to me, but my lawyer said he can usually sniff out a ‘greater than thou’ attitude, and that’s what he read (arrogance). (!!)
3) J requested to come get some things from the house, and because I was going to be out – I said come by.

He came, and left with his desk, our ‘house’ computer, his speakers, and our record player, plus all of his closet and drawers.

*OUCH* *OUCH* *OUCH*

You know, it was all fair game – but coming home to this emptiness (my daughter is at my mom’s, thank god) was a bit of a shock, to say the least. Ok, I am pretty shook up by it actually. Not enough to cry though. (This lack of tears through all this is kind of weirding me out. Is it because I am happy/not suffering?????)

I must accept that we are very different people. I must accept that he gave no thought to taking all that stuff and will give no thought to moving onto the next relationship. He will not be ‘child focused’ no matter how much he loves our daughter, because he is unable to put himself in another person’s shoes, or separate himself from others.

But enough of this focus on him… I made a little discovery today. I’m starting to see that everything is either love or fear. What I feed myself in terms of media (trolling Facebook vs motivational article/meditation CD), where I focus my efforts (on frightful, panicked scenarios or healing and creating a vision of health and harmony) – what I do and what I think, it all amounts to either LOVE or FEAR. LOVE in, LOVE out, FEAR in, FEAR out. Whichever one I partake in, more of it is created through me. Oh my!

Why is it so easy, and so seductive, to just fall back into that heinous/addictive/unconscious fear energy?

My soul no longer wants that foooooood. I am so drawn to feeling better… to building up that phoenix inside me. And having something WITHIN that is big and beautiful and worth sharing.  I want to be someone, not something. 

Ah – and another insight. He and I were a match, as long as I was willing to be a sad, scared, shell. What roads we choose now – every day, in our dealings with people and our energy focus – it will predict who we become. As I write this I hear my own ego … chirp chirp… it will want to be prettier than his next girl, more successful than him, capable of taking our daughter on better trips. I must, must, must… stay focused on people and things that I respect and admire. Why dwell on him and play in his ring? Isn’t that the whole point of this? Seek the ring that YOU want to play in. Seek the energy, the love, the life that feeds your soul…..

I do solemnly swear to keep my heart open, and move my energy toward love when it is stuck or veering toward or tempted by or habitually drawn to …. fear.

You know that saying every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings? Well every time I post and it gets a little love from you guys, I feel like my little growing wings grow a little bit more… Ya’ll are my nearest and dearest right now. Kinda sad maybe, that I don’t have a lot of close ties in real life at the moment, but I’ll figure out how to be close to people again… I’ll learn it all again….. right now I’m just… in a bit of a cocoon – and it’s really great to have you here along with me.

THANK YOU.

xo

Georgey be-someone-coco-chanel

DAY TWO – 3 Day Quote Challenge

rise-and-rise-again-until-the-lambs-become-lions

I saw this quote while looking at tattoo design ideas, and I LOVED it. My degree is in Psychology (and English Literature!), and one of the things we studied in positive psychology was resilience. Resilience research is “focused on studying those who engage in life with hope and humor despite devastating losses” — and includes ‘gritiness’ too – Grit refers to the perseverance and passion for long-term goals

I am blessed with grit and resilience. For whatever reason, I’ve always had it inside me. Always been both a lover and a fighter. I’ve always been driven to succeed and face things (eventually).

That’s my true nature, anyway, I’ve been way off course at times (ahem…)

BUT I always get up again. It’s the willingness to see that there’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets inIt’s the willingness to kick at the darkness til it bleeds daylight.

It’s the reason I, and probably many of you, started a blog… because you reached up and out from something that your innermost self knew was darker and muckier than your natural buoyant self. We wanted to rise. I sure did.

I never give up. (And there’s a good chance that I’m moving into the ‘anger’ phase of my grieving…)

There’s a beaten up but grit-fuelled boxer inside of me who is always ready for one more round, one more try, one more sunrise, one more sunset. One more mountain to climb, one more mile to run, one….more…… try. Life’s not going to beat me. 

The closest I’ve come to being beaten has been this marriage. Sad but true. But I’m thankful for it because I feel so fucking strong right now. Like a bow that’s been pulled back SO VERY FAR that the arrow is just going to soar and soar to such great heights.

I have no clue what’s in store for me, but I know it’s going to be great. Because I have me, and I’m rising and rising again, from lamb to lion….. I’m going to publish my book this year… and I’m going to be a better person.

I’m taking care of my daughter, and I’m taking care of me, and I feel damn good about having gotten out alive – not that he (husband) was going to take my life, but I was ready to take my own, pretty much, as I’ve mentioned. I was filled with some sort of disease of the mind… confusion/mind fuckage/wife of an alcoholic….. call it whatever. It sucked. And it sucked the life out of me.

Rise and rise again. We are only weak as long as we’re lying down and taking it.

We are only strong when we are telling the truth, our own truth. Don’t let anyone take your truth from you. If you are in a relationship that sucks, ask yourself some hard questions about how much you value YOU. If the answer is “not much” (that was my answer!) it’s a red flag. I figured it out after 6 or so years. Could easily have been 20.

Love to all you bloggers out there! Much of my bravery started with you, with me, with us, with writing, with blogging.

Life is for the living!!!!!!

XO

Georgey

FOUND! The love that was always missing…

It’s self love, campers! Below is an affirmation I’ve written to remember all the great things I am and will continue to be! These are things that belong to me. These are things that it is my job to honour, embody, and protect – not the job of my spouse, my parents, society, my child, or anyone else but me.

I gratefully embrace the goodness that flows through me and my life.

I am a mountain of white light.  

Strong

Capable

Self Sustaining

I am comfortable in my own skin. 

Purposeful

Decisive

Positive

Generous

I speak up when something makes me uncomfortable. I do not allow mistreatment.   

I am dedicated

I reciprocate kindness

I am valuable

I have a strong sense of self!  

I am wise

I am fun and funny!

I am abundantly positive.

I am imperfect!

I am always safe!

I take care of myself.

I take really good care of myself and I’m not afraid to say so.

#recovery #positivity #selflove #brand-new-me

My fellow friends and bloggers…. If you’ve ever been told you were terrible things, or have that negativity ongoing in your head… I encourage you to do this little exercise. Take every last negative word, thought, phrase, insult… and flip into the opposite, to something positive. You will feel so much better for it. That’s what I did, above, and it feels AWESOME!