2 Tickets

This is not a giveaway : ) This is a rant. Or a plea. Or a factual exposition about me and my life.

It’s funny how the problems and feelings and issues I had say, in high school are a distant memory now, and sometimes I wonder what my current set of problems will be in ten or twenty years. Long gone.

All that lasts is the decisions we make. To go, to not go. To stay. To continue. To quit. Is it always a virtue to say yes to opportunity? Is it always a virtue to stay the course? Does it ever take more courage to change the flow than to just go with it?

In high school I turned down tickets to Pink Floyd (!!) because I had just started dating my best friend’s older brother and the tickets were from ‘another fellow’ – so my best friend suggested that I not go. I didn’t go. Always regretted it.

I have been much better at bailing on things than following through. I am the world’s best excuse maker, bow-outter, say no thank you-er, And as a result, I do not have a life filled with overflowing memories of people, places, and things. I mean, I have done lots of things, but I stay in comfort zone, and there is definitely no surplus of experiences. I pull away a lot. I withdraw. Back into my little shell. I do nothing instead of doing something.

There’s a good chance that I’ll end up alone with a garden and a lot of bookshelves… LOL…. smiling to myself because the sun is shining and I like my plants.

Fack. I’m turning into my mother.

Stay the course, Georgey…. isn’t that the best thing to do?

So I just won 2 tickets to the ballet tonight. It’s a modern performance…. not really my thing .. at all… but they are company seats (top notch, right at the front). Including parking… (not easy to come by downtown). And I don’t know what to do with them.

I tried giving them to a co-workers and no bites. Tried a friend… no bites. I also invited my grandmother, but she doesn’t feel up to it. (Incidentally, she took me to my first ballet with I was sixteen. It was there I tried my first martini. Liked it a lot. LOL.)

In my heart of hearts, I feel that i SHOULD go. But I really don’t want to! Do I just accept my introverted self? The older I get, the less I want to force myself to do dumb shit with no obvious benefit (cultural things?). Am I overthinking this?

What I do want… is to go to kickboxing or rock climbing or punching school.

What I do want… is to get out of my miserable abusive marriage

What I do want… is to live life again. Have friends. Recover from this relationship.

So now the time comes to make the right decision. For me, for my daughter.

I do know what to do.

I just called the divorce lawyer. Must follow my heart. I can’t do this anymore…

XO

GEORGEY

 

Thinking about JFK’s Sailboat

This is JFK’s boat. It’s for sale. I’ve been obsessed with it all week.

JKF-boat-for-sale

Isn’t it beautiful?

It’s not very big or luxurious or fancy, but somewhere along the line, John F Kennedy thought that it was a good boat. It was the right boat for him at that moment in time, and I bet he felt like a free and wild man when he was on it; not pampered, not ‘important.’

To bring this a little closer to home, my current job is bringing me grief… although it is technically the ‘big ass yacht’ of digital marketing jobs… still, I’m yearning for a scrappy little sailboat.

**I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking hey, Georgey, you’ve just gotten over a depression, your marriage is falling apart, why not just stay in your j.o.b.?? But I think the job is contributing to all these problems… it’s so wrong for me…. ***

I know that there are trade offs in life no matter which things you choose. This job or that one, this marriage or that one. There is no magical fairy dust I can sprinkle on my life to have no stress and no problems – all we can do is trade ’em in for a different set.

I’m not convinced that people are always happier in second marriages. But I would bet that most second marriages are formed on that hope – of greater happiness.

I have this theory that you kind of create the same relationship over and over again until you learn the lessons. So why not learn them with the original person?

But with jobs it’s different. I have a greater appetite for risk there, and I have a skillset that I can assess objectively. Market value says if I do it right, I can make a smart leap – to consulting.

I guess I’m hoping to align to my values rather than external absolutes – the boat itself will not make JFK happy or unhappy, but ….if he values feeling free, this boat fulfills that need. I would be walking away from a highly reputable and sought after organization. With many creature comforts. And travel. And great hours.

Why?

I want to work to live, not live to work, and the consulting equation is much better ROI when done right. I’ve reached a diminishing point of returns in my field where  although I’m quite senior, I doubt I’ll see my salary increase much (2-5% a year). As a consultant, there is high probability that I could make significantly more, with less time invested.

Thinking in this way is making me nervous, but I am certain that this is the best route for me to take. There is a fantastic test/questionnaire called the Kolbe Index that assesses what you DO when you need to act. Your problem solving Modus Operandi DNA. It perfectly explained to me why I am better suited for consulting – I’ve got a lot of ‘quick start’ adaptable energy, and I’m good at diving into a problem and seeing my way to solution. I’m a futurist of sorts – but most definitely not a person who works through the gritty sequencing of events of the here and now. Great at past and future, suck at present. (but we knew that, yeah?!)

I won’t bore you with the details… (do take the test yourself though, it’s so bang on.)

I’m pretty sure I know what my sailboat looks like, but I’m so scared to take the leap. It’s a huge leap of faith. Sometimes my gut instinct just likes to pull me toward RISK. Ok, it’s pretty much all the time. I love taking job risks. And the Kolbe test told confirmed it – and that it is a strength that 95% of others do not have.

Risk is so much sexier than complacence. But it’s hard to justify with a family to feed.

CRISIS!

#stopme #gonemad #greatjob #quitting #risky #consultantshavemorefun #whattodo #meetingtomorrowaboutanopportunity #mighthappenfast #mightnot

*Annnnd my friend who lives in Tuluum, Mexico, just posted this: (A feeling of peace is the indication that you have made the right decision)……. it’s all we are all looking for isn’t it?

a-feeling-of-peace

 

Lowered expectations 

  
Oh dear. It’s happening. 

The years are going by and I’m working out less, caring less, losing steam. 

I’m not giving enough fucks. 

What to do? 

The picture above puts it perfectly — you reach a certain point (“midlife”?) and feel like you want to stop climbing. You just want to put your heavy bags down and camp out where you are. Screw the climb – there is TV to be watched and chocolate to be eaten. 

Part of this pity party is the acknowledgement that I will probably never be able to make a living as a fiction writer. 

There, I said it. 

It’s not a realistic career path. I’ve always known this. But admitting that I’m going to live my whole life and not do what I love to do – makes me want to give up. 

Gosh this year has just been one negative nelly moment after another. I think my job (“awesome” corporate gig in luxury hospitality!) depresses me by being so highly unfulfilling. Sorry if that’s bratty. 

Gah. 

  

Do you self-promote or self sabotage?

I’ll be the first to admit, I am not my own best advocate or promoter.

And worse than that – I think I just figured out a huge part of how I screw myself over. (Better read this post now because I always go back and delete my confessionals!)…..Part of me thinks “everybody is their own worst enemy, right?” but some people – truly high-functioning super drivers of their own destiny- (Madonna circa 1989!?) – probably don’t have these sandbags around their heels.

Either way, here are 5 SELF SABOTAGE HABITS I’m trying to stop:

1. Not Focussing –
I promise that i will listen in meetings and not check Facebook.

2. Not Preparing –
I promise that I will print out and review big presentations before meetings

3. Not Planning –
I promise that I will spend more time thinking about they next 24-48 hours

4. Being Negative and Neurotic –
I promise that I will not obsess and be paranoid about possible negative things that may or may not be happening behind my back at work

5. Procrastination, BIG TIME
I promise to stop writing this blog post and get some real work done.

I have a great boss, a strong mind, and I love my job…. why do I do this to myself? Lack of discipline? GAh. Confirmed that I really am my own WORST enemy.

Here’s to stopping the sabotage!