This is not a giveaway : ) This is a rant. Or a plea. Or a factual exposition about me and my life.
It’s funny how the problems and feelings and issues I had say, in high school are a distant memory now, and sometimes I wonder what my current set of problems will be in ten or twenty years. Long gone.
All that lasts is the decisions we make. To go, to not go. To stay. To continue. To quit. Is it always a virtue to say yes to opportunity? Is it always a virtue to stay the course? Does it ever take more courage to change the flow than to just go with it?
In high school I turned down tickets to Pink Floyd (!!) because I had just started dating my best friend’s older brother and the tickets were from ‘another fellow’ – so my best friend suggested that I not go. I didn’t go. Always regretted it.
I have been much better at bailing on things than following through. I am the world’s best excuse maker, bow-outter, say no thank you-er, And as a result, I do not have a life filled with overflowing memories of people, places, and things. I mean, I have done lots of things, but I stay in comfort zone, and there is definitely no surplus of experiences. I pull away a lot. I withdraw. Back into my little shell. I do nothing instead of doing something.
There’s a good chance that I’ll end up alone with a garden and a lot of bookshelves… LOL…. smiling to myself because the sun is shining and I like my plants.
Fack. I’m turning into my mother.
Stay the course, Georgey…. isn’t that the best thing to do?
So I just won 2 tickets to the ballet tonight. It’s a modern performance…. not really my thing .. at all… but they are company seats (top notch, right at the front). Including parking… (not easy to come by downtown). And I don’t know what to do with them.
I tried giving them to a co-workers and no bites. Tried a friend… no bites. I also invited my grandmother, but she doesn’t feel up to it. (Incidentally, she took me to my first ballet with I was sixteen. It was there I tried my first martini. Liked it a lot. LOL.)
In my heart of hearts, I feel that i SHOULD go. But I really don’t want to! Do I just accept my introverted self? The older I get, the less I want to force myself to do dumb shit with no obvious benefit (cultural things?). Am I overthinking this?
What I do want… is to go to kickboxing or rock climbing or punching school.
What I do want… is to get out of my miserable abusive marriage
What I do want… is to live life again. Have friends. Recover from this relationship.
So now the time comes to make the right decision. For me, for my daughter.
I do know what to do.
I just called the divorce lawyer. Must follow my heart. I can’t do this anymore…