Loss sucks. Dreams count. (but my mind didn’t get the memo)

I find myself thinking of it first thing in the morning, like my mind, half-asleep, has found this pain and needs to pick at it obsessively.

The dear friends I lost in the divorce. And the worst part – I lost them because they didn’t believe me or even want to hear my side of it.

The massive financial hit we took for selling the house too soon.

The massive costs – physically and mentally – of court.

I know that every one of us has regrets. It just seems that the bigger regrets – the ones that I incurred over the past 10 years – the regrets that seem to be life-changing events.

Do you find yourself in the same boat? Going over losses and hurts like a cat obsessively licking its fur??? Ouch, ouch, ouch, fuck, fuck, fuck….. it’s a terrible feeling, and I wish I could get past it. Isn’t it key that we focus on the present and future? Everybody has regrets. But who among us still has vibrant, exciting, scintillating, life-affirming…. D R E A M S……..that could still become realities.

What’s your dream? I have given up on so many of mine… but how about if I lay them out here and you’ll tell me yours? Might as well get it down on paper.

Dream one: publish my novel. Or a screenplay. Or at least an article or story every now and then!

Dream two: Cooking classes in Italy.  (a little pricey! But possible.)

Dream three: Scuba Dive (completed in-pool portion already, halfway there)

Dream four: A home that’s all set for hosting. And charcuterie platters at the ready. (almost there).

Dream five: I’d like a promotion.

Maybe these are all attainable……. funny, I thought I wanted to buy another house, but it didn’t actually make the list.

Tell me your dreams, friends… it feels so much better than regrets and feeling like your whole life went down the tubes.

We. Are. Alive. Anything is possible.

XO

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Divorce is a kick in the lady parts. But this cloud has a BIG silver lining.

Divorce sucks. Cotton Candy Milkshakes dont.

hello.

I remember a few years ago that this blog was a real lifeline for me. The friends, the community – and the writing itself.

It’s nice to think of that, and be here for a moment. I’m working from home. The sun is shining in through the living room window. And my house is pretty. Despite the little spots that show signs of life (active 5 year old, tired mum).

In less than a month it’ll be two years since I lived with my ex, and the anniversary coming up resonates so deeply with me, as a sort of “birthday” of my new life, and a reclaiming of my purpose, heart, and soul.

I must say, I feel like I’ve harped on the past a lot, inside my own head and with friends and family. And a two year court battle has me feeling like I was hit by a train… so I hope that now I can move away from the victim mentality, the needing validation and proof, the dwelling on the abuses… yes, it was horrible. But I have moved on. And I must stop licking that old wound.

I’m writing today because – although I am leaving him behind – I live the reality of being a single mum, and that comes with it’s challenges. I have shame. It’s not easy showing up to school events  – J at one end of the gymnasium, me at the other.

But I’m ready to laugh about it. So I am thinking to change the name of this blog to

*THE SILLY DIVORCEE*

And keep writing, but some of the ridiculously horrible *and* hilarious things that are the realities of my life.

Things like…….

  • the time I dreamed of my ex husband’s penis ?!?!
  • The things I used to think were love that I know now were next level psycho !?!
  • The moment when you see that your ex was actually JUST LIKE his mom?!?
  • The “man’s” jobs that I do now that are both gross and wonderfully empowering!
  • My COMPLETE mother’s day meltdown….. with my awesome boyfriend?!?!

So I have no idea if anyone will check this post out, but if you do, I’m looking for ANY encouragement to make this switch and start writing again about my new… flawed…hilarious…..wonderful ….. Life : )

Should I do it?

 

Life, Part 2 – After the marriage

Hello, old friends. Long time! I’ve missed you… while I’ve been busy finding me ; )

As I write this, I’m sitting in the most beautiful room that ever was, feeling the most peaceful I have ever felt, because it is mine – As Virginia Woolf famously called it, ‘A Room of One’s Own,’ – I have my own place, with my daughter. We’ve settled it, and it is absolutely amazing….

J and I separated 8 months ago. It’s strange to think there was a time when I couldn’t imagine life without him, when now all I remember is the abuse.

In June it will be official – and I am so very ok with June coming.

Sometimes I think I’ve found a nice memory – like the special tea he used to make me when I was sick, or the amazing vacations we took to Cuba, Paris, Mexico. But no sooner have I thought about the nice thing and the bad part comes rushing in with it. The way he yelled at me for not appreciating the tea, or the way he treated me during his fits on every one of those vacations….. Horribly. Even on the Honeymoon and ‘babymoon.’

I’ve thought about the many women (and men) who suffer verbal abuse for years and years with no escape and no name for it. I want to do something about it, but not sure what I could do. It’s such a slippery little topic. So hard to define. And the attitudes you face: Did he hit you though? No… So it’s not ‘actual’ abuse then….

Ok.

Patricia Evans’ definition set me free last summer, while I was recovering: Verbal abuse is a lie told to you about you.

Yep. You are not any of those horrible names/descriptors. And how liberating to be free of those lies.

Back then, and for many months before that, I was blogging pretty regularly. I was going through a huge change from not drinking alcohol and kind of rediscovering myself.  But for the past 8 months – barely a word huh?! I hope you are all doing well on your amazing journeys.

I’m quite happy to report that I am dating an old friend turned new flame… somebody who always liked me and I always liked but we were never single at the same time. It’s a total breath of fresh air… and while I am not moving fast I am enjoying it so incredibly much. This delicious new love.

I know that many of the bloggers I read are quite religious. I am not, but am spiritual… and I just have to say… I am so positively sure that God has been watching over me, and I am so grateful for the guiding light that has led me through all this insanity, into the beauty of a healthy new life.

XOX

 

Thou shalt not marry Don Draper (And how to avoid it)

Ladies, you know the type. Charming. Handsome. Intoxicating. Downright magical at times.

His favourite thing about you is less your values and more your assets.

I even called him ‘my perfect prince’ in our wedding vows.

Gahh.

Ohh…. yes. It’s so obvious. Any sensible woman could tell you why marrying Don Draper would be a bad idea. And yet, if you want it, you’re going to do it anyway. Like I did.

I knew it was a bad move, I knew there would be consequences. But I wanted to have fun. And I was flattered that a man like that, liked me……  (damn you, self esteem!)

Unfortunately, I married a Don Draper who’s zest for creative language included calling me every derogatory, demeaning name in the book (from Lazy to Psychopath… and everything in between).

We had a whirlwind tornado of a relationship. It got toxic. It ended. That’s now the past.

I’ve now been separated for about 5 months. And it’s true, as my friend Looking for Chris said, that after the 90 day mark, things move quickly from Phase 1 to Phase 2. I’m happy to report that my phase 1 thoughts of reconciliation (and the miserable feeling these thoughts came with) are now finished. I have no interest in being with him ever again. And I am so very excited about what the future holds!

I’ve come to see that having my whole world hinge on 1 asshole is so much less rewarding than trusting my soul to the great universe and all it has in store for those who are willing to be open to it.

And open to it I am.

So inevitably, my thoughts are beginning to turn to dating – in the future – but to tell you the truth, I would still like more kids…. so I can’t *really* wait that long, although I’m aiming for 1 year. And when it does happen, I don’t want to throw myself into it head first. I want to be cautious, and pay a good deal of attention to the real person I see before me. I don’t want to ignore red flags (again). Or love so much I blind myself (again). And get into situations that aren’t healthy (again). I think you’re getting the picture!

So here’s what I want to know from my next potential human! I’m going to answer them myself as well (I will post) and you are welcome to do the same. I would love to hear your answers to any or all!

These are questions that I think with help me separate true good-human qualities from… shiny distractions and false advertising. In the end, it is what’s inside that counts for everything.

  1. What do you value most highly in an intimate partner (current or past), and why?
  2. What brings you joy?
  3. If you could never do one household chore again which one would it be?
  4. What makes you laugh? (List as many as you like)
  5. Who are your mentors or heroes, and what qualities do they have that you admire?
  6. Under what circumstances do strong negative emotions overtake you (or try to) and how do you handle that?
  7. What do you hide or feel ashamed of vs show and feel proud of?
  8. What do you ‘work on’ about yourself, or what are your weaknesses?
  9. What makes you a great partner?
  10. What brings meaning to your life, generally and specifically (daily or  weekly practices or hobbies, for example)?

Progress is …

So how does this work?

I go from suffering…. to sickly and somewhat peaceful but aching inside…. to just plain peaceful… to peaceful with some great moments…. to joyful life?

I am hesitant to allow myself ‘joyful life’ — even in words!!!! My job/my company have hotels all over the world and this year I passed up 3 free nights, anywhere. In my new life… I will go.

I still feel so sick, so meek. Strong days, but the awareness that I will be much stronger. I’m taking it one day at a time, and I’m going to get better. And from there, there will be no end to the possibilities.

Progress is accepting what is.

Progress is unhooking myself from what used to absorb me.

Progress is awareness over the wake I leave behind me.

Progress is not feeling sad and sorry for myself.

Progress is admitting I am sick and allowing that.

Progress is committing every day to new and nourishing habits.

xo

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Dragon’s Loyalty Award

A few days ago Gingersnap74 nominated me for the Dragon’s Loyalty Award. I must admit, that with the direction my life has taken over the past few years, it’s been very hard for me to give… even to reciprocate.  

Because I’ve had nothing left, and I’ve constantly felt like I had to take the scraps that people gave me and patch myself up with their energy and generosity (so gross, I know) — but part of my healing is definitely CORRECTING that by plugging the leak and starting to generate my own positivity!!

dragonloyalty

So  YES –  I accept this nomination Gingersnap74 and thank you for thinking of me. I would like to now nominate 15 other bloggers.

I would like to nominate these 15 bloggers : 

1. Becoming Me

2. Lucky Otter

3. stilllearning2b

4. 333smp

5. treatwilliams

6. emmagc75

7. Feelingmywaybackintolife

8. Light of Desperation

9. Seedling

10. Elan Mudrow 

11. Sober in Sussex

12. Emma’s Recovery

13. Geek’s Secret Life

14. This is your heart on break up 

15. Addiction Place 

THE RULES:

  • DISPLAY THE AWARD CERTIFICATE ON YOUR WEBSITE
  • ANNOUNCE YOUR WIN WITH A POST AND LINK TO WHOEVER PRESENTED YOUR AWARD
  • PRESENT 15 AWARDS TO DESERVING BLOGGERS
  • DROP THEM A COMMENT TO TIP THEM OFF AFTER YOU’VE LINKED THEM IN THE POST
  • POST 7 INTERESTING THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF.

1. I love comedians. Jim Carrey, Kristen Wiig, Seth Myers… everyone from SNL. I’ll take a good laugh over a stiff drink any day of the week.

2. I love starting new things and have a hard time finishing them. Working on that.

3. I feel happiest in silence and solitude, but I LOVE meeting new people. I am a writer… afterall.

4. I dream of being an entrepreneur, writer, speaker, and generally a person who educates and inspires other people out of a path of suffering.  (I guess I had to do it before I could live it…we’ll see!)

5. I can run really fast, I love to stretch and do yoga, and I eat pretty healthy food by instinct…  I have always been healthy and fit by nature!

6. I am rebuilding my life, and self, pretty much from scratch… and I’m scared but moving forward anyway. (I quit drinking, smoking, and am now recovering from a toxic marriage) What a year!!!

7. My daughter is 3 1/2 and she is the sweetest, smartest, funnest and best!! She inspires me to never give up, and keeps me reaching towards the best things life has to offer.