Divorce is a kick in the lady parts. But this cloud has a BIG silver lining.

Divorce sucks. Cotton Candy Milkshakes dont.

hello.

I remember a few years ago that this blog was a real lifeline for me. The friends, the community – and the writing itself.

It’s nice to think of that, and be here for a moment. I’m working from home. The sun is shining in through the living room window. And my house is pretty. Despite the little spots that show signs of life (active 5 year old, tired mum).

In less than a month it’ll be two years since I lived with my ex, and the anniversary coming up resonates so deeply with me, as a sort of “birthday” of my new life, and a reclaiming of my purpose, heart, and soul.

I must say, I feel like I’ve harped on the past a lot, inside my own head and with friends and family. And a two year court battle has me feeling like I was hit by a train… so I hope that now I can move away from the victim mentality, the needing validation and proof, the dwelling on the abuses… yes, it was horrible. But I have moved on. And I must stop licking that old wound.

I’m writing today because – although I am leaving him behind – I live the reality of being a single mum, and that comes with it’s challenges. I have shame. It’s not easy showing up to school events  – J at one end of the gymnasium, me at the other.

But I’m ready to laugh about it. So I am thinking to change the name of this blog to

*THE SILLY DIVORCEE*

And keep writing, but some of the ridiculously horrible *and* hilarious things that are the realities of my life.

Things like…….

  • the time I dreamed of my ex husband’s penis ?!?!
  • The things I used to think were love that I know now were next level psycho !?!
  • The moment when you see that your ex was actually JUST LIKE his mom?!?
  • The “man’s” jobs that I do now that are both gross and wonderfully empowering!
  • My COMPLETE mother’s day meltdown….. with my awesome boyfriend?!?!

So I have no idea if anyone will check this post out, but if you do, I’m looking for ANY encouragement to make this switch and start writing again about my new… flawed…hilarious…..wonderful ….. Life : )

Should I do it?

 

Life, Part 2 – After the marriage

Hello, old friends. Long time! I’ve missed you… while I’ve been busy finding me ; )

As I write this, I’m sitting in the most beautiful room that ever was, feeling the most peaceful I have ever felt, because it is mine – As Virginia Woolf famously called it, ‘A Room of One’s Own,’ – I have my own place, with my daughter. We’ve settled it, and it is absolutely amazing….

J and I separated 8 months ago. It’s strange to think there was a time when I couldn’t imagine life without him, when now all I remember is the abuse.

In June it will be official – and I am so very ok with June coming.

Sometimes I think I’ve found a nice memory – like the special tea he used to make me when I was sick, or the amazing vacations we took to Cuba, Paris, Mexico. But no sooner have I thought about the nice thing and the bad part comes rushing in with it. The way he yelled at me for not appreciating the tea, or the way he treated me during his fits on every one of those vacations….. Horribly. Even on the Honeymoon and ‘babymoon.’

I’ve thought about the many women (and men) who suffer verbal abuse for years and years with no escape and no name for it. I want to do something about it, but not sure what I could do. It’s such a slippery little topic. So hard to define. And the attitudes you face: Did he hit you though? No… So it’s not ‘actual’ abuse then….

Ok.

Patricia Evans’ definition set me free last summer, while I was recovering: Verbal abuse is a lie told to you about you.

Yep. You are not any of those horrible names/descriptors. And how liberating to be free of those lies.

Back then, and for many months before that, I was blogging pretty regularly. I was going through a huge change from not drinking alcohol and kind of rediscovering myself.  But for the past 8 months – barely a word huh?! I hope you are all doing well on your amazing journeys.

I’m quite happy to report that I am dating an old friend turned new flame… somebody who always liked me and I always liked but we were never single at the same time. It’s a total breath of fresh air… and while I am not moving fast I am enjoying it so incredibly much. This delicious new love.

I know that many of the bloggers I read are quite religious. I am not, but am spiritual… and I just have to say… I am so positively sure that God has been watching over me, and I am so grateful for the guiding light that has led me through all this insanity, into the beauty of a healthy new life.

XOX

 

Thou shalt not marry Don Draper (And how to avoid it)

Ladies, you know the type. Charming. Handsome. Intoxicating. Downright magical at times.

His favourite thing about you is less your values and more your assets.

I even called him ‘my perfect prince’ in our wedding vows.

Gahh.

Ohh…. yes. It’s so obvious. Any sensible woman could tell you why marrying Don Draper would be a bad idea. And yet, if you want it, you’re going to do it anyway. Like I did.

I knew it was a bad move, I knew there would be consequences. But I wanted to have fun. And I was flattered that a man like that, liked me……  (damn you, self esteem!)

Unfortunately, I married a Don Draper who’s zest for creative language included calling me every derogatory, demeaning name in the book (from Lazy to Psychopath… and everything in between).

We had a whirlwind tornado of a relationship. It got toxic. It ended. That’s now the past.

I’ve now been separated for about 5 months. And it’s true, as my friend Looking for Chris said, that after the 90 day mark, things move quickly from Phase 1 to Phase 2. I’m happy to report that my phase 1 thoughts of reconciliation (and the miserable feeling these thoughts came with) are now finished. I have no interest in being with him ever again. And I am so very excited about what the future holds!

I’ve come to see that having my whole world hinge on 1 asshole is so much less rewarding than trusting my soul to the great universe and all it has in store for those who are willing to be open to it.

And open to it I am.

So inevitably, my thoughts are beginning to turn to dating – in the future – but to tell you the truth, I would still like more kids…. so I can’t *really* wait that long, although I’m aiming for 1 year. And when it does happen, I don’t want to throw myself into it head first. I want to be cautious, and pay a good deal of attention to the real person I see before me. I don’t want to ignore red flags (again). Or love so much I blind myself (again). And get into situations that aren’t healthy (again). I think you’re getting the picture!

So here’s what I want to know from my next potential human! I’m going to answer them myself as well (I will post) and you are welcome to do the same. I would love to hear your answers to any or all!

These are questions that I think with help me separate true good-human qualities from… shiny distractions and false advertising. In the end, it is what’s inside that counts for everything.

  1. What do you value most highly in an intimate partner (current or past), and why?
  2. What brings you joy?
  3. If you could never do one household chore again which one would it be?
  4. What makes you laugh? (List as many as you like)
  5. Who are your mentors or heroes, and what qualities do they have that you admire?
  6. Under what circumstances do strong negative emotions overtake you (or try to) and how do you handle that?
  7. What do you hide or feel ashamed of vs show and feel proud of?
  8. What do you ‘work on’ about yourself, or what are your weaknesses?
  9. What makes you a great partner?
  10. What brings meaning to your life, generally and specifically (daily or  weekly practices or hobbies, for example)?

Reunion, tomorrow.

This week my husband and I texted (by Skype) –  the first interaction we’ve had since his arrest, almost exactly 90 days ago.

It was good to talk to him, just for the familiarity. It was weird to recall how much of his cruel words I look past. For some reason, his abuse has always felt like love to me. Some strange part of me hears his hate and thinks ‘well, look how much he cares’ — I guess because it is negative, but it is still focused attention. (Cue the story of neglected childhood)

We basically have been talking on and off now for a few days. Mostly bad stuff. Mostly him blaming me for the arrest and saying it was planned and that I lied and yada yada.

I am well aware that he is paranoid, and that something goes very wrong in his head that makes his thoughts extremely different from reality. What disease is that? I don’t know. He fits no description. Maybe it’s something to do with his multiple head injuries. I have no idea.

And there comes that old feeling – that I’m the only one who will take take care of him, and I’m the only one who was born to love him. So there, I’m crazy too. hah!

I do feel really different talking to him – like nothing really rattles me anymore. So call me a liar, call me whatever you want – I don’t care. (I told him, actually, that I did not appreciate it, but I didn’t react to it, I just told him…. .)

It’s so weird that after all this, he is still just this steaming pile of…. blame.

So we will sell the house and we will move on, but in his head… it’s like there is no reality creeping in. He will continue to think I am his to abuse.

I married a crazy person. I knew I was doing it. I did it knowingly.

I read a strange thing the other day in the book “the verbally abusive relationship” — that people with a ‘compassionate witness’ to their suffering tend to become artists and empaths… and those who did not have that, become abusers.

He abuses, I feel sorry for him.

Fack. I don’t like that part of me that’s just like “come home, you fucking abusive idiot” and let’s ignore your craziness some more.

And tomorrow we meet at Starbucks to ‘exchange’ our daughter. So gross. I hate all of it. it’s gonna be super weird! At least I’m totally skinny! LOL. (((((The girls understand))))

 

Poo.

So, I’m obviously messed up right now, right? Been separated 3 months. Everything is fresh. I’m probably radiating a sort of volatile vulnerability.

Today two different men in my life flirted with me. In both cases, charmers. Ladies men. Boys who like their toys. Guys who know what I’m going through.

I’m so grossed out. Because I realize now what kind of man is drawn to a unstable woman — it is the same kind of man I married – ‘the rescuer.’ The guy who wants to swoop in and be depended on, and will be happy with you as long as you’re under foot.

I can tell you with total certainty that there are women who would lap this shit up – because it would have been me a few years back. 100%

But this time I’m in for the long play…. I want to see who comes around when I’m 1 year single and feeling balanced and good. Then we’ll see who comes knocking, and who I let in. I can tell you right now it’s going to be a fine human being and not some dive-bombing vulnerability hungry douchebag.

Who knows – maybe they are nice, but the dynamic that would be set up by jumping into a relationship now is so flipping obvious to me now and I would have been blind to it before.

Don’t worry readers – I will set my boundaries with said men and maybe even have them as nice at-a-distance friends, but ain’t no way no how I’m falling for the prince charming bullshit. I am feeling ANYTHING BUT romantic. Plus I’m still married, aren’t I? Oh my gawwwwd… how did this all happen??

: (

poo

For my 100th post: 25 things I’ll do differently next time I fall in love

  1. I will not ignore male expressions of gender bias
  2. I will not date anyone who is incapable of articulating why they value me
  3. I will not date anyone whose sole interest is in my body or any other superficial thing
  4. I will not date anyone who has anger issues
  5. I will look for Mr. Friend not Mr. Fantasy
  6. I will not allow mistreatment
  7. I will not allow myself to mistreat
  8. I will not aspire to be a conjoined love mushball but a strong, loving person with a strong, loving companion
  9. I will not join a shared journey that costs me my own journey. There is room for both.
  10. I will express my concerns, needs, and wants as they arise
  11. I will respect my partner’s boundaries — and ask when I don’t know what they are.
  12. I will pay attention to how I feel in the relationship. When/if I feel bad, I will investigate this with myself first, and with my partner if need be.
  13. I will own up to my weaknesses but not act them out
  14. I will trust my gut
  15. I will not give a shit what the world thinks if it makes me happy.
  16. I will not rush into any situation to lessen my fear of the unknown
  17. I will find ways to share my passions and hobbies with my partner
  18. I will never stop my journey of self-improvement
  19. I will not fight.
  20. I will not love someone who “only I” can truly understand 
  21. I will not fall in love with an idea; of a project, a rescue mission, a superhero 
  22. I will not tolerate a love that feels like a near death experience 
  23. I will give my best every day 
  24. I will laugh everyday. And bring laughter and lightness to the partnership. 
  25. I will not fear.