Today is the last day of my 3 Day Quote Challenge. Thank you ever so much for the nomination Ms. Ethel Duck! Ms Ethel and I share a common struggle in life and love, I think, which is recovery from ‘codependence.’ I still think it’s an odd word but it’s the official one for people who (here’s my definition) have allowed themselves (as adults) to be mentally messed with, usually stemming from unclear personal boundaries and bonds created as kids. Long story short – people who are learning that they matter, and they must take care of themselves! And usually there are some alcoholic spouses mixed into this equation! : /
One of the biggest aspects of codependance, and one that I really personally despised – was that I was in a constant state of wanting to prove how bad my situation was, how horrible what was happening to me was. And why couldn’t anybody protect me? And why couldn’t I solve it? And why had all of this happened, anyway? Had it not been for intervention, I would have stayed in this state for way too long. Probably many, many years.
I was also willingly, daily, telling myself that I didn’t matter. I would stay for our daughter, I would put up with everything because he was still a very successful, handsome man…. I would catch up with myself in 20 years, with the remnants of what was left, and it would be fine.
Well, no, it not and was not fine. I do matter. Now and every day.
Last night I had this weird thing happen to me. It was about 8:00 and I was reading my daughter a Dr. Suess story and all of the sudden, out of the blue, I couldn’t swallow! My throat was playing tricks on me and I couldn’t perform that very simple and constant task of swallowing… how horrific … and symbolic. LOL. I panicked a little bit, and tried to explain to my daughter that I needed to lie down for a minute… and I tried to calm myself down and breathe. But as I lay down I had this profound sense that my ‘me’ of the last five years, maybe more – was dying. It was an ego death.
The last few weeks have showed me a lot. I’ve lost friends. I’ve made choices. I’ve felt my own strength coming back. Lastnight I even had a fight with my mom because she was whining about not being able to see my daughter on her regular day because of the situation etc, etc., and fighting with her really broke my heart… and brought back memories of her always putting herself way before me. I tried to set a boundary with her on the phone – I told her right now this isn’t about her feelings, and no I can’t consider her feelings in this whole matter, because I’m working hard just consider my daughter’s and my own. I can be respectful, and I will be, but her ‘feelings’ over the course of my separation, possible house loss, and eventual divorce…. uh, no mom. This is a very old, very ugly issue that dates way back.
I feel like I have a long way to go on this self-discovery road, and a lot of damage to undo. What I want to be sure of though, is that I don’t settle for just being ok. I can be ok soon – probably months from now, I hope. But where is better than ok? When do I reach the stars? When do the hopes and dreams get back on track?
Right now I don’t know where I’m going. I mean, broadly, I want to publish my book, etc, etc, but I feel so far away from that life and that dream. Is it all illusions? Do you know what you want? Do you know where you’re going?
I am a dreamer and believe that we should dream big…. I’m so confused by life right now. I guess I just have to accept that and work with what is, which is… I’m on the road to somewhere…. I just don’t know where yet.
1. Looking for Chris
Here are the rules:
- Post a quote a day that is meaningful to you for 3 days.
- At the end of your challenge, nominate 3 other bloggers who you think would impart great wisdom to the blogging community.
- Don’t forget to thank the blogger who nominated you.
- Have fun!