Boy Crazy

I went for a bike ride tonight. A mountain ride through the forest, on dirt trails. It was two hours of pure bliss. Challenge, and exhaustion, but I love to ride. Tonight I rode with a group of nine women. Strong, somewhat butchy women. And I started thinking to myself how I’ve never really embraced my tomboy side, even though I have always been a bit of a tomboy.

In my mind I always remind myself of my father and grandfather – both strong silent types. Both good at showing their love in how they look at you.

I’m not always that way – but it’s a core part of me.

Anyway, the thing is – even though I’m a bit of a tomboy inside, and more keen to get out and do something than gossip or shop, I do love boys. And I always have. I was called boy crazy all through grade school. Grade school! That’s like – pre-teenage years!

I love their hair. Their smell. Their mouths and the way they talk.

I love kissing them. Holding hands with them. Chatting about stupid stuff.

My first boyfriend was Peter.

We were 4 years old when we met.

He always held a spot for me on the big chair. We had sleepovers. I was his and he was mine and we both knew it.

But then he moved away. And I remember crying so hard on my mom’s bed. It was my first heartbreak. It was my first relationship. We were just the most sympatico little pair of people. I don’t think that I had a relationship like that until B. Post-marriage. Post everything.

B and I have been together 2 years and he makes me swoon. He gets me and I get him. He’s not easy by any means, but neither am I. We’re all a pain in the ass. We humans.

Between Peter and B there have been many boys though. One or two “men” I guess. But I prefer boyish charm. Hoodies over suits.

After Peter there was Alex, then Jesse. Adam. Ed. Jake, Jeremy, Joe. Zack. Daniel. Scott  the first. Adam the second. Adrian. Scott the second. Then my husband. Then B.

I guess it’s not a long list. Or not too long. I could probably think of a whole lot more if I thought about it. ; )


signs of an emotionally abusive relationship

  1. You’re googling Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship and all of it’s variations. Because you’re lost and confused and don’t really know where to turn next.
  2. You’re constantly hoping it’s the last time. It never is.
  3. Everything is your fault. You’ve caused this state of affairs.
  4. Unpredictable anger – unpredictable expressions of big emotions altogether.
  5. Name calling
  6. Intention to hurt, with little or no remorse
  7. “I hate you, don’t leave me” attitude that makes no sense
  8. A desire in yourself to moderate your own behavior in the hopes of moderating theirs
  9. Denial. Of your reality. Constant confusion.
  10. Still wanting to hold on to the good parts. Hoping it will change. Losing hope.

As I write this, I am approaching the two year mark since separating from an abusive ex. The road is complicated, but worth every second, every step, every battle, every breath. I have never felt more happy or more alive in my life.

An Extraordinary Human Being

In the past three months I have lost my marriage, two very close friends, 15 pounds, my house… and on Sunday, my grandfather.

I don’t want to add ‘my job’ to that list (which is why i haven’t posted in a while).

Through all of this, I have had this idea brewing in my head of an extraordinary human being. Being one, and understanding what it is to be one.

But what does it mean? For me, it means admitting flaws, being generous with your grace, honest with your intentions, invested deeply in your life, focused, and devoted to giving back to the world more than you take from it. Probably lots more. Integrity, rigor, forgiveness to name a few.

I have not always been the human I want to be. Every day I strive.

I’m curious – readers – what do you think makes an extraordinary human? Do you like this idea? Want to be one? Want to partner with one?

I would love your thoughts.