No way Jose 

I saw him.

I felt fine for a while.

Then I felt like the rug was pulled out from under my progress.

I felt sticky and slimed.

By a slimeball who has no respect for me.

No way Jose.

YOU DON’T TREAT ME WITH RESPECT YOU GET NO PLACE IN MY LIFE.

Reunion, tomorrow.

This week my husband and I texted (by Skype) –  the first interaction we’ve had since his arrest, almost exactly 90 days ago.

It was good to talk to him, just for the familiarity. It was weird to recall how much of his cruel words I look past. For some reason, his abuse has always felt like love to me. Some strange part of me hears his hate and thinks ‘well, look how much he cares’ — I guess because it is negative, but it is still focused attention. (Cue the story of neglected childhood)

We basically have been talking on and off now for a few days. Mostly bad stuff. Mostly him blaming me for the arrest and saying it was planned and that I lied and yada yada.

I am well aware that he is paranoid, and that something goes very wrong in his head that makes his thoughts extremely different from reality. What disease is that? I don’t know. He fits no description. Maybe it’s something to do with his multiple head injuries. I have no idea.

And there comes that old feeling – that I’m the only one who will take take care of him, and I’m the only one who was born to love him. So there, I’m crazy too. hah!

I do feel really different talking to him – like nothing really rattles me anymore. So call me a liar, call me whatever you want – I don’t care. (I told him, actually, that I did not appreciate it, but I didn’t react to it, I just told him…. .)

It’s so weird that after all this, he is still just this steaming pile of…. blame.

So we will sell the house and we will move on, but in his head… it’s like there is no reality creeping in. He will continue to think I am his to abuse.

I married a crazy person. I knew I was doing it. I did it knowingly.

I read a strange thing the other day in the book “the verbally abusive relationship” — that people with a ‘compassionate witness’ to their suffering tend to become artists and empaths… and those who did not have that, become abusers.

He abuses, I feel sorry for him.

Fack. I don’t like that part of me that’s just like “come home, you fucking abusive idiot” and let’s ignore your craziness some more.

And tomorrow we meet at Starbucks to ‘exchange’ our daughter. So gross. I hate all of it. it’s gonna be super weird! At least I’m totally skinny! LOL. (((((The girls understand))))

 

Poo.

So, I’m obviously messed up right now, right? Been separated 3 months. Everything is fresh. I’m probably radiating a sort of volatile vulnerability.

Today two different men in my life flirted with me. In both cases, charmers. Ladies men. Boys who like their toys. Guys who know what I’m going through.

I’m so grossed out. Because I realize now what kind of man is drawn to a unstable woman — it is the same kind of man I married – ‘the rescuer.’ The guy who wants to swoop in and be depended on, and will be happy with you as long as you’re under foot.

I can tell you with total certainty that there are women who would lap this shit up – because it would have been me a few years back. 100%

But this time I’m in for the long play…. I want to see who comes around when I’m 1 year single and feeling balanced and good. Then we’ll see who comes knocking, and who I let in. I can tell you right now it’s going to be a fine human being and not some dive-bombing vulnerability hungry douchebag.

Who knows – maybe they are nice, but the dynamic that would be set up by jumping into a relationship now is so flipping obvious to me now and I would have been blind to it before.

Don’t worry readers – I will set my boundaries with said men and maybe even have them as nice at-a-distance friends, but ain’t no way no how I’m falling for the prince charming bullshit. I am feeling ANYTHING BUT romantic. Plus I’m still married, aren’t I? Oh my gawwwwd… how did this all happen??

: (

poo

119 days left of 2015; 10 self-improvementy thing-a-mabobbers to work on

Earlier this summer I had some unripe peaches on my counter in a bowl. Within a day or so, at least a few of them became rich orange and yellow and ready to eat. I was so impressed! (It doesn’t take much, apparently!)

Maybe, I thought, it’s only time that leads us humans to ‘ripen’ or bloom too, right? But what takes the peach a day might take us a year. And we must work so much harder than a peach!

In the remaining 119 days of this year I want to work on these 10 things:

  1. Practice Compassion – I am working on the idea of forgiveness – it’s hard for me. But compassion is a slight pivot from empathy that I think is healthier for me. I feel sorrow for the suffering of others. Period.
  2. Practice curiosity – I’m interested in building my curiosity back up and using it to explore things with kindness and wonder – instead of fear and anger.
  3. Respond, not react – I’ve been pretty passive aggressive or reactive in my life. When I didn’t agree or didn’t know what to say, I would hide in non-response. I want to be more careful with that. I want to respond….
  4. Let go – of the people pleasing, the people grasping, and the obsessive fears about what other people are going to say and think about me.
  5. Expand the feel-good comfort zoneIt’s such a simple lesson I’ve learned – doesn’t feel good? Don’t do it. Duh… And yet, my whole life, I thought enduring pain was part of what I was supposed to do. No more.
    Now I want to ski and swim and sail and play guitar! I have shunned and feared so many things like these my whole life because I was too cool, too scared, too busy smoking and drinking. Blech! I want more of these wonderful life-affirming things in my life. NOW!
  6. Prioritize, and prioritize again – what really matters today? What matters next week? What matters in a year?
  7. Embrace loneliness – I’m a little bit lonely, since separating, you know? And worse than lonely – I get that feeling where I just kind of miss the assurance that if ‘if this one person loves me, I’m ok’ – but I’m aware that’s a bit of a crock. And I don’t want to run from my uncomfortableness. I have run from that in the past. It doesn’t work. I will stand on my own two feet until the time comes to stand beside someone else on my own two feet. No more flippin’ rescues.
  8. Give back where it matters – I devoted a crap load of my life’s years and Moving Forwardenergy to an angry man who had no respect for me. In the future, that energy will be given to charitable causes, friends who care and that I care about (including you, my blogger family), my extended family who could use an extra sturdy leg around, and myself. Oh, and my job! Yes, my job… they actually deserve more from me.
  9. FocusI’m so very scattered and disorganized…. Oh Look a SQUIRREL…>!
  10. Have funFun? What’s that? Is it scary? Will it hurt? No? Ok then…. I WILL TRY IT!!!!!!!!!

Xo,

Georgey

Desperation/inspiration (a.k.a Life)

Hi all,

Thanks for reading. It’s a mixed bag tonight of some desperation and some inspiration!

I have been down and out with Bronchitis for about a week now. I feel crappy. Warn out. Pissed off that I couldn’t run in the 5K race I had lined up for the weekend. I was tempted to run it anyway. Really, really wanted to. But I had a long talk with my body and body said umm, no. Not a good idea. I realized that it was mostly my ego who would be gutted by not running it. So I made the decision to listen to something other than my ego. Wise move. I feel good when I make good decisions.

I’ve been coughing non-stop. And I can barely breathe. It super sucks. But enough of my complaining! All this just to say – we are always balancing the physical, the emotional, and the mental – and maybe they all get the better of us sometimes, huh? Staying positive is hard when there are challenges like these. But we can do it!

Here are 2 pieces of wisdom I have been reflecting on recently.

Both of these apply to daily life, daily decision-making, daily reaction to life!

Life-is-a-balanceinspirational-quote-offense-rene-descartes (1)

I absolutely love this and I have been thinking about it for months, since the first time i found it. Words to live by. Blessings to all of you tonight –

XO,

Georgey